The Fairy Godmother Part 16

Dawn broke late and still he hadn’t got up. I listened to the other people in the flats head off for work and still he slept on. By nine o’clock I had decided that I had waited long enough.

“Ready or not, here I come,” I muttered to myself and walked into his bedroom and departed rather rapidly, the smell was something I would rather not think about. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and rang the Head Fairy.

“And how goes the transformation?” she asked.

“Slowly,” I replied. “It would go a lot quicker if the lazy slob would get out of bed.”

“Go in and wake him up,” she said.

“I tried,” I said. “But the room stinks!”

“Then the room needs airing,” she said. “You need to open the window, wide. It will probably wake him up as well.”

“I’d have to go in there to do that,” I said. “And when I say the place is rank, it is the worst smell I have ever come across in all my born days.”

“Have you told the Head of the Fairy Council what you think of him?” she asked.

“She said there is no such thing as a lost cause and to get on with it,” I replied.

“Then I suggest you take a deep breath, open the door and head for the window as quick as you can, open it and fly out. You can get back in through a different window,” the Head Fairy replied.

“Couldn’t you get her to find me another job, any job will do,” I begged.

“I know her of old,” Enid said. “If you do that, she’ll find you something that is a million times worse and you’ll be begging for her to send you back to him.”

“Worse than him!” I exclaimed.

“She’ll find something or someone, somewhere,” Enid replied. “Stick with this one and sort him, that is my best advice.”

“Thanks,” I said and hung up.

“I hope the Head of the Fairy Council hasn’t given her something bad to sort,” I thought, getting my mind round following her advice when he came out of his bedroom.

“You look like you were thinking of coming in here,” he smiled.

“You should be up and about, not sleeping,” I said. “There is work to be done.”

“Such as?” he asked, stepping forward. I stepped backwards because the smell seemed to be following him out of the room.

“That room needs airing for a start off,” I replied. “You could cut the air coming out of there with a knife and probably cook it in the toaster.”

“Don’t you like the odour?” he asked. “One of my ex’s said it was very masculine,” he said.

“She must have been deluded by the spirits or something,” I replied.

“I suppose she did tend to drink a lot,” he admitted.

“Go and open the window,” I said.

“Or else?” he asked and I pointed the laser canon at him. “My you did get out of the wrong side of the bed didn’t you,” he said going back into the bedroom and opening the window.

“Open it wide,” I said. “Or you will have a hole where the window was.”

“OK,” he said. “But it can get windy up here, the windows have been know to get blown further open than even you would want and to smash on the side of the building.”

“That is a risk I am prepared to take,” I replied.

“Where did you sleep last night?” he asked. “Not that I’d mind if you wanted to join me,” he added with a smile.

“I did not sleep,” I replied. “And the last place I’d sleep would be with you!”

“I’m not that bad,” he said.

“Really, so why do you have so many ex’s?” I asked.

“I was hoping you’d tell me,” he said smiling.

“Probably because your flat looks like a bomb would improve it, you think women are only there to wait on you, you have no idea of hygiene and you think work is something other people do,” I said.

“Apart form that?” he asked.

“You are an arrogant know it all with all the sensitivity of, I can’t think what, because everything that comes to mind is more sensitive than you could ever hope to be,” I replied, putting the laser canon back in my pocket, because the temptation was getting rather great. “You should have some breakfast and then you can start cleaning.”

“What do you think I should clean next?” he asked.

“The bath,” I replied.

“But I cleaned it yesterday, twice,” he said.

“And it will need cleaning again, once you’ve had another bath,” I replied.

“Do I really need a bath?” he asked.

“You’ve slept in that room,” I said pointing to his bedroom. A gentle breeze was wafting a plume of thick gasses away from his room. You could follow it’s progress down the road towards the city. You could also see birds changing their flight plan to avoid flying through it and the occasional one descending rather rapidly from the plume when it headed in their direction. Also all the open windows that it wafted past were rather rapidly closed.

“And I’ll sleep in it again tonight,” he said.

“That room needs a thorough clean, even now it smells like something went in there and died,” I replied.

“We could talk about it over breakfast,” he said.

“That’s another thing,” I said. “There doesn’t seem to be any food in the flat.”

“Couldn’t you magic something up?” he asked. “I mean you are my Fairy Godmother.”

“I’ll just make a phone call,” I said, walking back to the kitchen. I had spent the night cleaning it, for want of something better to do. I had hoped to come up with some ideas on how to drag this idiot into some sort of order, but ended up with nothing but a clean kitchen. The fridge and freezer gleamed, they were also totally empty.

“Hello,” I said to the Head Fairy.

“Have you got him out of bed yet?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “And the room is being aired.”

“So, what is the problem?” Enid asked.

“There is no food in the flat and he has no money to pay for any,” I said. “If I had my magic wand this would not be a problem.”

“You want me to wave my wand and produce breakfast for you and that lout?” she replied.

“Just till I’ve got him a bit more,” I looked at him, he had followed me into the kitchen.

“You’ve done a good job,” he said running his hand over the work surface. “I didn’t think it could be so clean and smooth.”

“Perhaps we could sort a job for him, or something,” I stuttered.

“There is no we in this, the Head of the Fairy Council gave this job to you, if you want any help, you’ll have to talk to her,” the Head Fairy replied and hung up on me.

I rang the Head of the Fairy Council next.

“If you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself,” the Head of the Fairy Council shouted down the phone at me.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Pathetic bunch here,” she replied. “They are all frightened of spiders.”

“The ones up in that roof there are rather large,” I said. “They have an eight foot span.”

“Do you have any suggestions?” she asked.

“This human could do with food,” I said. “So could I for that matter, if you could put a spell on one of the cupboards and maybe the fridge, I can tell you the best way to get rid of the spiders.”

“Are you trying to make a deal with me?” the Head of the Fairy council asked.

“I suppose so,” I said.

“OK, one cupboard and the fridge, nothing else and only healthy foods,” she replied. “So how do I tackle the spiders?”

“It’s all a question of scale,” I said. “Normally spiders are much smaller than people. In this case they are larger, you need to redress the situation so that you are larger than the spider.”

“You mean I should grow?” she asked.

“Or the spiders should shrink,” I said. “They would fit in better with everyone that way.”

“I don’t know why they’ve got so big,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“Could be the accumulation of rather a lot of wand magic in the place,” I said. “Perhaps you need to lay off with the magic wand a bit.”

“Are you saying this because I confiscated your wand,” snapped the Head of the Fairy Council.

“No, though I wouldn’t have been bothering you about food if I had my wand,” I said.

“You have your food,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied icily, hanging up on me.

“Did you sort out breakfast with whoever you were talking to?” he asked.

“I was talking to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I replied, starting to look through the cupboards. “She has promised you food,” I added finally finding a cupboard full of food.

“You did tell her I wasn’t a hamster?” he asked, looking through the contents of the cupboard.

“She promised you healthy food,” I added. “And a cupboard and fridge that wouldn’t run out of it, for a while at least.”

“Healthy food!” he said, looking into the fridge. “Couldn’t you tell her how healthy pizza?”

“It took all my best negotiating skills to get you food,” I replied. “If you don’t like the choice I suggest you find a way of supplying your own.”

“You sound like one of my ex’s,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She went on a health food kick, I complained and she said that I could go to the shops just as well as she could,” he said.

“And did you?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “But I complained a lot.”

“And she left?” I replied.

“Yes,” he said. “Are you going to leave?”

“No,” I said. “The Head of the Fairy Council wont agree to that. So get used to the food we have or find a way of getting your own.”

“Muesli can be quite nice,” he said, getting a bowl out of the dishwasher. “And hazelnut milk could be interesting.”

“Then I shall try it,” I said.

By Janice Nye © 2019