The Fairy Godmother Part 16

Dawn broke late and still he hadn’t got up. I listened to the other people in the flats head off for work and still he slept on. By nine o’clock I had decided that I had waited long enough.

“Ready or not, here I come,” I muttered to myself and walked into his bedroom and departed rather rapidly, the smell was something I would rather not think about. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and rang the Head Fairy.

“And how goes the transformation?” she asked.

“Slowly,” I replied. “It would go a lot quicker if the lazy slob would get out of bed.”

“Go in and wake him up,” she said.

“I tried,” I said. “But the room stinks!”

“Then the room needs airing,” she said. “You need to open the window, wide. It will probably wake him up as well.”

“I’d have to go in there to do that,” I said. “And when I say the place is rank, it is the worst smell I have ever come across in all my born days.”

“Have you told the Head of the Fairy Council what you think of him?” she asked.

“She said there is no such thing as a lost cause and to get on with it,” I replied.

“Then I suggest you take a deep breath, open the door and head for the window as quick as you can, open it and fly out. You can get back in through a different window,” the Head Fairy replied.

“Couldn’t you get her to find me another job, any job will do,” I begged.

“I know her of old,” Enid said. “If you do that, she’ll find you something that is a million times worse and you’ll be begging for her to send you back to him.”

“Worse than him!” I exclaimed.

“She’ll find something or someone, somewhere,” Enid replied. “Stick with this one and sort him, that is my best advice.”

“Thanks,” I said and hung up.

“I hope the Head of the Fairy Council hasn’t given her something bad to sort,” I thought, getting my mind round following her advice when he came out of his bedroom.

“You look like you were thinking of coming in here,” he smiled.

“You should be up and about, not sleeping,” I said. “There is work to be done.”

“Such as?” he asked, stepping forward. I stepped backwards because the smell seemed to be following him out of the room.

“That room needs airing for a start off,” I replied. “You could cut the air coming out of there with a knife and probably cook it in the toaster.”

“Don’t you like the odour?” he asked. “One of my ex’s said it was very masculine,” he said.

“She must have been deluded by the spirits or something,” I replied.

“I suppose she did tend to drink a lot,” he admitted.

“Go and open the window,” I said.

“Or else?” he asked and I pointed the laser canon at him. “My you did get out of the wrong side of the bed didn’t you,” he said going back into the bedroom and opening the window.

“Open it wide,” I said. “Or you will have a hole where the window was.”

“OK,” he said. “But it can get windy up here, the windows have been know to get blown further open than even you would want and to smash on the side of the building.”

“That is a risk I am prepared to take,” I replied.

“Where did you sleep last night?” he asked. “Not that I’d mind if you wanted to join me,” he added with a smile.

“I did not sleep,” I replied. “And the last place I’d sleep would be with you!”

“I’m not that bad,” he said.

“Really, so why do you have so many ex’s?” I asked.

“I was hoping you’d tell me,” he said smiling.

“Probably because your flat looks like a bomb would improve it, you think women are only there to wait on you, you have no idea of hygiene and you think work is something other people do,” I said.

“Apart form that?” he asked.

“You are an arrogant know it all with all the sensitivity of, I can’t think what, because everything that comes to mind is more sensitive than you could ever hope to be,” I replied, putting the laser canon back in my pocket, because the temptation was getting rather great. “You should have some breakfast and then you can start cleaning.”

“What do you think I should clean next?” he asked.

“The bath,” I replied.

“But I cleaned it yesterday, twice,” he said.

“And it will need cleaning again, once you’ve had another bath,” I replied.

“Do I really need a bath?” he asked.

“You’ve slept in that room,” I said pointing to his bedroom. A gentle breeze was wafting a plume of thick gasses away from his room. You could follow it’s progress down the road towards the city. You could also see birds changing their flight plan to avoid flying through it and the occasional one descending rather rapidly from the plume when it headed in their direction. Also all the open windows that it wafted past were rather rapidly closed.

“And I’ll sleep in it again tonight,” he said.

“That room needs a thorough clean, even now it smells like something went in there and died,” I replied.

“We could talk about it over breakfast,” he said.

“That’s another thing,” I said. “There doesn’t seem to be any food in the flat.”

“Couldn’t you magic something up?” he asked. “I mean you are my Fairy Godmother.”

“I’ll just make a phone call,” I said, walking back to the kitchen. I had spent the night cleaning it, for want of something better to do. I had hoped to come up with some ideas on how to drag this idiot into some sort of order, but ended up with nothing but a clean kitchen. The fridge and freezer gleamed, they were also totally empty.

“Hello,” I said to the Head Fairy.

“Have you got him out of bed yet?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “And the room is being aired.”

“So, what is the problem?” Enid asked.

“There is no food in the flat and he has no money to pay for any,” I said. “If I had my magic wand this would not be a problem.”

“You want me to wave my wand and produce breakfast for you and that lout?” she replied.

“Just till I’ve got him a bit more,” I looked at him, he had followed me into the kitchen.

“You’ve done a good job,” he said running his hand over the work surface. “I didn’t think it could be so clean and smooth.”

“Perhaps we could sort a job for him, or something,” I stuttered.

“There is no we in this, the Head of the Fairy Council gave this job to you, if you want any help, you’ll have to talk to her,” the Head Fairy replied and hung up on me.

I rang the Head of the Fairy Council next.

“If you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself,” the Head of the Fairy Council shouted down the phone at me.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Pathetic bunch here,” she replied. “They are all frightened of spiders.”

“The ones up in that roof there are rather large,” I said. “They have an eight foot span.”

“Do you have any suggestions?” she asked.

“This human could do with food,” I said. “So could I for that matter, if you could put a spell on one of the cupboards and maybe the fridge, I can tell you the best way to get rid of the spiders.”

“Are you trying to make a deal with me?” the Head of the Fairy council asked.

“I suppose so,” I said.

“OK, one cupboard and the fridge, nothing else and only healthy foods,” she replied. “So how do I tackle the spiders?”

“It’s all a question of scale,” I said. “Normally spiders are much smaller than people. In this case they are larger, you need to redress the situation so that you are larger than the spider.”

“You mean I should grow?” she asked.

“Or the spiders should shrink,” I said. “They would fit in better with everyone that way.”

“I don’t know why they’ve got so big,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“Could be the accumulation of rather a lot of wand magic in the place,” I said. “Perhaps you need to lay off with the magic wand a bit.”

“Are you saying this because I confiscated your wand,” snapped the Head of the Fairy Council.

“No, though I wouldn’t have been bothering you about food if I had my wand,” I said.

“You have your food,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied icily, hanging up on me.

“Did you sort out breakfast with whoever you were talking to?” he asked.

“I was talking to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I replied, starting to look through the cupboards. “She has promised you food,” I added finally finding a cupboard full of food.

“You did tell her I wasn’t a hamster?” he asked, looking through the contents of the cupboard.

“She promised you healthy food,” I added. “And a cupboard and fridge that wouldn’t run out of it, for a while at least.”

“Healthy food!” he said, looking into the fridge. “Couldn’t you tell her how healthy pizza?”

“It took all my best negotiating skills to get you food,” I replied. “If you don’t like the choice I suggest you find a way of supplying your own.”

“You sound like one of my ex’s,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She went on a health food kick, I complained and she said that I could go to the shops just as well as she could,” he said.

“And did you?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “But I complained a lot.”

“And she left?” I replied.

“Yes,” he said. “Are you going to leave?”

“No,” I said. “The Head of the Fairy Council wont agree to that. So get used to the food we have or find a way of getting your own.”

“Muesli can be quite nice,” he said, getting a bowl out of the dishwasher. “And hazelnut milk could be interesting.”

“Then I shall try it,” I said.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 15

“You need to clean yourself up,” I told him.

“Not suggesting I put some clean clothes on?” he smiled.

“They wont be clean for long if you wear them,” I replied. “You need to clean yourself first.”

“You want to see the bathroom first?” he asked.

“By the smell coming from that direction, it wont be a pretty sight,” I replied following my nose to it. “So you are going to have to start by cleaning this,” I replied, taking a step back.

“But how?” he howled.

“First you could try flushing the toilet,” I said looking at the brown liquid in the bottom of the bowel.

“Someone said you don’t have to flush liquid,” he said.

“I’d make an exception for that,” I said pointing at the toilet handle. He did as he was told, but it didn’t alter the fact that the bowel was filthy. “Now, you need to put some bleach round the bowel and leave it to do something.”

“How long do I leave it like that?” he asked.

“I’ll let you know,” I replied. Basically, I didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“So what do I do next?” he asked.

“Everything that isn’t a fixture or fitting needs to be removed,” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“Clear the bathroom,” I said. “Most of the stuff in there is either rubbish or ruined, once that is out of there, you can clean the bathroom.”

“But,” he started and then saw where the laser cannon was pointing.

“Is this going to be your answer to everything?” he asked.

“It works, I would have thought the idea of getting the love of your life back would have been motivation enough, but,” I replied.

“OK, the bathroom will shine,” he said getting to work on it.

“Good, I’ll check your progress in an hour,” I said returning to the kitchen and the washing machine.

He didn’t notice me checking his progress in an hour, he was too busy cleaning the bathroom cabinet, I hadn’t noticed that it was white and had a mirror on the front of it. After two hours, he returned to the kitchen.

“So that’s where you are,” he said.

“And have you cleaned the bathroom?” I asked.

“Would you like to inspect it?” he asked. “Or will you take my word that a cleaner bathroom doesn’t exist.”

“I’ll see it,” I said walking past him to the bathroom. To be fair on him, it looked like a different room. “I’ve seen better,” I replied. “But it’ll do. You need a bath, even more than you did before you started cleaning. The purpose of cleaning is not to transfer the muck to yourself. I shall get you some clean towels and clothes.”

“I can get them myself,” he said.

“If you touch them before you have a bath, they wont be clean, you’ll mess them up,” I replied.

“Wont that be the same for the bath?” he asked.

“Well, you can put your newly honed cleaning prowess to use and clean the bath again afterwards,” I replied, heading to the pile of fresh laundry.

“And what have you been doing, whilst I was busy?” he asked.

“Fixing your washing machine and dishwasher,” I replied, pointing to them.

“I didn’t know Fairies fixed machines,” he said.

“Here’s something to put your mucky clothes in,” I said handing him a bin. “We don’t want you getting the floor mucky with them.”

“Is that a hint?” he asked as I returned with the clean towels and clothes and placed them on a small cabinet in the bathroom.

“You know what to do,” I replied, pointing towards the bathroom with my laser cannon.

“You don’t take no for an answer,” he said going into the bathroom and closing the door.

“Don’t forget to wash your hair,” I shouted.

For a brief moment I thought we had an intruder in the place when he returned from his bath, but then I recognised the clothes I’d handed to him.

“Put the damp towels in the washing machine,” I said pointing towards it.

“If that isn’t running, what is?” he asked.

“The dishwasher,” I replied. “Don’t you recognise the sound.”

“I got banned from using it,” he said.

“By whom?” I asked.

“Lisa,” he said. “Or was it Carol?”

“If you can’t keep a track of your girlfriends,” I replied. “What did you do to get banned?”

“She didn’t like the way I loaded it, seems you don’t just put a pile of plates in, in a pile, you have to stand them up. Also, you never put silver cutlery in it, don’t know what it does, but it isn’t good, nearly as bad as leaving it in something that you put in the micro-wave. And you definitely do not use washing-up liquid.”

“You are an imbecile,” I replied. “You could do with reading the instruction manual.”

“Bit difficult that,” he said. “I think it got chucked out with the packing.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I didn’t think I needed it, I mean, how hard can it be to use a dishwasher?” he smiled.

“I am surprised you still need to ask that one, because you were obviously incapable of using this,” I said as the machine clicked though it’s program. “Were you that stupid with the washing machine?”

“I thought washing her woolies would please her, it would be a nice surprise when she came home from work,” he sighed.

“They shrank?” I guessed.

“I suggested stretching them, but it didn’t work,” he sighed.

“What temperature did you wash them at?” I asked.

“90 degrees, well it did wonders for the tea towels,” he said.

“That would be enough to totally destroy them,” I said.

“It was funny, some of them seemed to be stuck together,” he laughed.

“I don’t suppose she saw it that way,” I said.

“No, she packed the rest of her clothes and moved out, I think she went to a hotel before she sorted out more permanent accommodation,” he said sounding perplexed.

“It sounds to me like all these people move out when you fall down on the domestic side of things,” I said.

“You mean when I stuff up on something house based?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “Would you like to sort that?”

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I mean I don’t want them to think I’m better than them on the housework front.”

“But you don’t want them to think you see them as a cheap way of getting your home tidy, cooking and laundry done whilst you sit around doing nothing,” I reminded him.

“I suppose not,” he said. “Though it is nice to watch people work.”

“Then get yourself a job and you can spend all day watching them work,” I snapped.

“But I’m an artist,” he said. “I can’t be going out to work, I have to be ready for the muse when it comes.”

“When did the muse last come?” I asked, I know a few muses, they can be a bit temperamental. “Can I see some of your previous work.”

“I don’t have any with me, at the moment,” he blustered.

“Tell the truth,” I said.

“OK,” he said, dumping himself down on the floor. “The last lot were crap, so I left them at the art college when they chucked me out for non attendance.”

“And you haven’t done anything since?” I asked.

“I’ve not got anything to paint with,” he said. “And I can’t think of what to paint.”

“This flat could do with a few coats of emulsion for a start off,” I said looking round.

“That isn’t funny,” he snapped.

“Neither is the colour of this room,” said. “Whatever made you think peppermint green was a good colour for a kitchen? Also, I don’t know what colour you’d call the bathroom, but it isn’t good.”

“That isn’t going to bring out my artistic side though is it?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Get a paint brush in your hands and you might surprise yourself or are you chicken?”

“Is this a dare?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “This place needs a complete overhaul.”

“And you think that will get my girlfriend back?” he asked.

“I don’t know, but at least she wont feel like running a mile when she sees inside the front door,” I replied. “So, will you give it a go?”

“OK,” he said. “But not now.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s two in the morning and I need some sleep,” he said.

“When did you last change your bed?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” he said.

“Fresh bed linen,” I replied.

“I can’t remember,” he said. “Does it matter?”

“We’ve just got you clean,” I said. “I don’t think it would be a good idea you sleeping in mucky bed linen.”

“I’ll have a bath first thing,” he said. “It’ll be OK.”

“OK,” I muttered as he headed off to bed and my phone rang.

“You’ve made some progress,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“It would be easier with my wand back,” I said hopefully.

“Tough,” she said and hung up.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 14

“You haven’t got dressed,” I said.

“Small problem there,” he sighed.

“Nothing clean to wear?” I asked and he nodded. “Then we’d better get this washing machine kicked into action,” I replied, pointing hopefully at the machine, it did look very much the worse for wear.

“It doesn’t work,” he sighed. “Hasn’t done for at least six weeks.”

“A bit like a lot of things round here,” I muttered. “What happened when it packed in?”

“It seemed to go hipper, went through a full wash program in less than five minutes,” he replied.

“And I take it, the clothes didn’t come out clean?” I asked.

“They came out slightly damp with washing powder clumps on them,” he replied.

“And what did you do with them?” I asked.

“I put them in the bath,” he said.

“And then what?” I asked.

“I left them there,” he said.

“That explains a lot,” I sighed. “We need to get some washing done, is their a laundrette near here?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It isn’t as if I can go there anyway,” he added holding his hands up and twirling round. I had to admit, the boxer shorts were not in their first flush of existence, there were holes which the rather short tea shirt didn’t cover and being as it was December, it probably wouldn’t hold back the weather.

“We’ll put together a wash load and I’ll get it cleaned,” I replied, pulling out my mobile phone and clicking through the contacts list.

“Launderette” was first on the list, so I pressed the button to ring them.

“Hello, this is the Fairy Launderette what can we do for you,” came the reply.

“Hello,” I said. “I have some washing which I hope you can do for me.”

“The Head of the Fairy Council said you might be ringing and she said we could do one wash load,” she said.

“How do I get it to you?” I asked.

“You don’t have to, we’ve got it,” she said. “It’ll be back with you in ten minutes.”

“Thank-you,” I replied, but she had already hung up.

“The stuff in the bath has gone!” he said, returning from the bathroom. “I went to get it and it vanished.”

“The Fairy Launderette,” I explained. “They’ve agreed to take a wash load. It’ll be done in ten minutes.”

“Couldn’t they do all of it?” he asked.

“No,” I replied. “This is an emergency and they are only doing the one wash load and you’re lucky to get that.”

“I suppose I am,” he sighed. “Don’t suppose they could sort out the washing machine?” he asked hopefully.

“Do you know how to use one?” I asked, looking at the amount of powder that seemed to coat every part of it.

“You pour in a packet of washing powder and then press the go button?” he said looking hopeful.

“And have you tied that?” I asked, it might explain the mess the machine was in.

“Like I said, it went through the program in five minutes and everything came out coated in powder,” he sighed.

“And this was the first time you tried?” I asked.

“My girlfriend usually does the washing,” he mumbled.

“Is this why she left?” I asked.

“I didn’t say she’d left,” he snapped back defensively.

“You didn’t have to,” I replied. “I don’t think this place would be in quiet this mess, if she hadn’t left.”

“She knew about cleaning, she was good at it,” he said.

“She got fed up of being an unpaid washer woman,” I said.

“But,” he stuttered. “I loved her.”

“What precipitated her departure?” I asked.

“Pardon?” he looked confused.

“What happened that made her decide to leave?” I tried.

“She was going to work and asked me to take the rubbish out before she got back,” he said after racking his brain for a couple of minutes. I could tell when the thought finally arrived, it was almost like a light bulb went on inside his head.

“And you didn’t?” I asked.

“It’s a long way to the bin’s, you’ve seen what they’re like,” he said. “I thought she could do it on her way to work.”

“And risk getting her work clothes muck struck, you must be joking,” I said. He looked confused. “What did she say when she got back home?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Just picked up her bag and walked out.”

“And what did you do?” I asked, dreading to hear him.

“I asked her if she’d take the rubbish out whilst she was going downstairs,” he said with a smile.

“Did she?” I asked, ‘cause she’d be the dumbest person I know if she did.

“No,” he said. “So I dropped it out of the window for her to shift round to the bin.”

“I hope it didn’t land on her,” I replied.

“Of course not,” he said. “Missed her by a foot.”

“I hope you didn’t think that was funny,” I said.

“I was just saving her the effort of carrying it downstairs,” he said. “She’ll be back again when she realises what she’s missing.”

“And that was six weeks ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “She should be back any day now.”

“I think she’s found an alternative,” I replied. “If she was coming back, she’d be here by now.”

“But I love her,” he said looking confused.

“You chucked the rubbish out of a 15^th floor flat and it missed her by inches, what part of that says “I love you”?” I asked.

“I missed,” he said looking hopeful.

That was when the laundry came back and I left him looking through it whilst I rang the Fairy Council.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hello, thanks to you we are busy clearing cob webs,” I was told.

“Are you sure this human is worth the effort?” I asked.

“I’ll hand you to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I was told.

“Hello,” said a familiar voice. “Just fly up with a feather duster and get on with it,” she snapped at someone else. “I don’t care how big the spiders look.”

“Hello,” I said. “I’ve gone to the flat and the human there is a total mess.”

“I said he was,” the Head of the Fairy Council snapped back. “He wouldn’t need our help if he wasn’t.”

“Is he really worth the effort of sorting out?” I asked.

“You’re only in a bad mood because of the tomato ketchup,” he interrupted.

“I and your ex-girlfriend think that you are beyond redemption and that you should be left to stew in your own muck,” I told him.

“I’m not that bad,” he said. “She was just having a bad day, well, bad week, month, whatever,” he smiled.

“And did you offer her any sympathy?” I asked.

“I said there would be other jobs,” he replied looking hopeful. “And I was right, she got one the next day, at least she was out all day which amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?”

“You know the Fairy motto,” said the Head of the Fairy Council. “There is no such thing as a lost cause.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“So, get on with it,” she said. “And you, you’ve missed an enormous cob web in the corner there and stop sneezing you’ll only catapult yourself backwards.” There was a distant sneeze and then a muffled crash as someone flew backwards and hit something hard. Then the phone went dead.

“So what was the verdict?” he asked hopefully.

“I have to continue,” I replied through gritted teeth.

“Are you sure we can’t send more washing to the launderette?” he asked. “The stuff came back way better than it was before, it’s supper clean and I can’t find the holes that I know where in it.”

“I’m sure, when they say one wash load, that is what they mean,” I replied. “But they do do a good job, it’s a standard you need to aim for, especially if you want to win your girlfriend back.”

“She’s just playing hard to get,” he said.

“Do you have any idea where she went to when she walked out on you?” I asked.

“There was some sleaze bag at work, he was always telling her how wonderful she is and how she was too good for me,” he said.

“You think she’s gone to him?” I asked.

“No, he told her his sister had a spare room, she’s probably gone there,” he replied.

“You need to think of this from her point of view,” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If you were her, would you come back to this and you!” I replied.

He looked around the room, there was stuff on every surface, some of which could be identified, some of which was slowly following the stuff that had already fallen to the floor. Then he caught sight of his reflection in a mirror, the filthy clothes, hanging in rags, hair that hadn’t been combed or washed in ages, stubble that was trying to arrange itself into a beard and moustache that looked like a hairy caterpillar had taken up residence on his upper lip with the intention of becoming a food strainer, there were bits of food there to testify as to how good it was at the job.

“You aren’t seeing any of this at it’s best, me included,” he sighed.

“This is how she’ll see it if she does come back,” I replied and if she has any self respect she’ll turn round and walk away.

“You think I need to clean up a bit?” he asked.

“More than just a bit,” I replied.

“And that will bring her back?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “But she wont come back to this,” I added as something slid off the draining board and landed on a pile beneath it.

“But where do I start?” he asked. “I could spend a month working on this and it wouldn’t be any better.”

“If that is so, then you are doing it wrong,” I replied, but I was beginning to wonder that myself.

by Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 13

“The Fairy Council?” he muttered. “What’s it got to do with them.”

“I go where they send me,” I explained. “They sent me here with instructions on cleaning up your life and and giving you some direction. Asking why isn’t a good idea.”

“But,” he muttered.

“Are you happy with your life?” I asked. “Do you enjoy having a kitchen that looks and smells like the bin wagon has made a delivery here instead of taking the stuff to the tip.”

“They wouldn’t be able to get the wagon up here,” he replied. “The lift’s broken again.”

“And how long has it been broken for?” I asked.

“Not sure,” he said. “I think it was summer, I remember the weather being very hot.”

“Right, and we are in the first week of December,” I said.

“Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen this year then,” he said filling the kettle. “Do Fairies drink tea?”

“Not from that tea pot,” I said, taking a look inside it.

“What’s wrong with it?” he asked, trying to empty the tea bags out.

“You mean apart from the fact that it’s beginning to develop it’s own ecosystem in there and that the old tea bags seem to be well and truly stuck to the bottom of the pot?” I asked.

“OK, it is a bit gross,” he agreed looking round for a mug and rapidly coming to the conclusion that there wasn’t one clean mug in the place.

“A bit gross,” I said.

“OK, it’s totally gross,” he said. “And I know it’s all my own fault, that all I have to do is wash the dishes and put out the rubbish, but I look at this lot and just feel like going back to bed again. I don’t know where to start and I don’t know if I have the energy to finish the job.” He sat down with a thump and looked all in. My thoughts of telling him to get his act together and start cleaning the place up vanished as I looked at him.”

“Where are the bins?” I asked.

“There used to be a rubbish shoot, but they got sealed up because they kept getting the wrong things put down them,” he replied.

“Wrong things?” I asked.

“Things that were on fire, dead people, people who weren’t dead when they got dumped, but were after a few days,” he explained.

“I see,” I replied. “So what happens now?”

“There are some bins round the back of the flat, you take the rubbish there,” he said. “Problem with that is, you get some odd people hanging round there.”

“So, it’s a lot of effort taking the rubbish to the bin, with the lifts being out, and you don’t feel safe when you do?” I asked.

“That about sums it up,” he said, looking at the milk in the fridge, there were bits floating about in it and a rather ripe smell of cheese came out when he took the lid off. “Do you think that’s OK?” he looked hopefully.

“Only if you are planning a slow suicide by food poisoning,” I replied. “When did you last go to the shops?”

“It’s not easy,” he said. “There are 15 floors to go down and come up added to that, the nearest shop is about five miles away and I haven’t got any money left to buy anything with.”

“So, what were you planning on doing?” I asked.

“I wasn’t planning, I just sort of hoped someone would wave a wand and sort it out?” he looked hopeful.

“Sorry, my wand is out of bounds,” I said. “But I suspect this is a problem for more than just you. There will be other people in this block who can’t get out.”

“I’m sure there are,” he said. “But I don’t know what we can do about it.”

“First we need to contact the person in charge of the flat,” I said. “They need to be made aware of the fact that the lift isn’t working and it is impinging on the lives of the residents. Did you report the lift when it broke down?”

“I didn’t specifically, but I’m pretty sure someone must have,” he said, shaking the milk. “Perhaps I could sieve the lumps out.”

I shot the milk bottle with my laser cannon, it seemed preferable to throwing up on him.

“I suppose you want me to clean the floor again,” he said adding what was left of the milk bottle to the over flowing bin.

“It’s either that or report the lift,” I said.

“So, I ring up and report the lift and you’ll clean up the milk bottle?” he asked.

“I’ll also take that bin load to the bin,” I replied.

“OK,” he said tapping on his mobile phone.

“Hello,” he said when someone finally answered. “I’d like to report that the lift is out of action.”

“Could you give me your post code,” he was asked.

“Certainly,” he said, checking the post code on one of the many envelopes lying around.

“I have sent a message to the repair people, they have just finished work on the block next door and will be there in about five minutes,” he was told.

“Thank-you,” he said, hanging up.

“If you don’t tell them, they wont fix it,” I said.

“I just thought that someone else might,” he said.

“And they probably all thought the same and so no one did,” I replied. “Don’t expect other people to do things for you. Also, they are more likely to move if lots of people tell them about something.”

“Do you have all the answers?” he asked.

“No, but I have a lot of the questions,” I smiled. “And that has to be a start,” I added, cleaning up the floor before the milk spread any further. “I am going to take this lot to the bin, I expect you to be dressed by the time I get back.”

“You were little a minute ago, now you are about five foot six,” he said looking confused.

“It would take me forever cleaning that spill up if I was only six inches tall,” I replied looking at the bin, picking it up seemed to be a good way of wearing a lot of the rather messy stuff sitting on the top and I suspected it would be hard to find any bin bags to empty it into. I decided on levitation of the bin, assuming the contents would come up with it. The contents and the bottom of the bin stayed put, the sides moved up and everything started to descend towards the floor. I changed to levitating the lot, opened a window and flew with it to the bins. The bin lid didn’t look too choice so I levitated that as well, a small crowd of people in dark clothes took one look at the bin lid and the rubbish making it’s way into the bin, in a nice orderly line, followed by the bin lid.

“I’m quitting,” said one changing his mind about buying something and dashing off down an alley. He was followed rather rapidly by several others who seemed to be of the same opinion.

“You’ve frightened all my customers away,” he said glaring at me.

“Not much of a business, hanging round bins,” I replied. “Perhaps you need a change of career,” I added floating into the air, with a flap of my wings I was back at the 15^th floor.

“Perhaps I do,” he muttered to himself walking down the alley the others had run down.

“No problems down the bins?” he asked as I flew back in through the kitchen window.

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” I smiled.

“I suppose not,” he muttered.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 12

Back at the Hall of the Fairy Council again. Got to say the old place was beginning to look rather familiar and some of the mystery was beginning to ware off it, which is more than could be said about the cob webs. I was beginning to think that the place could do with a good clean up when I noticed the Head of the Fairy Council coughing.

“Do we have your attention now?” the Head of the Fairy Council asked rather pointedly.

“Of course,” I replied.

“You were looking at the ceiling,” she said.

“I’ve never seen so many cob webs,” I said looking up, probably a mistake now I think of it.

“No one in this room looks at the ceiling, no one looks at anything other than me,” said the Head of the Fairy Council. Her voice getting louder with each word, till the force of it shook the cob webs and the dust fell off them causing her to cough long and loud.

“Would you like a glass of water?” I asked when at last she stopped coughing enough to draw breath.

“Than-you. No,” she sighed. “We have observed you efforts with the last job.”

“I rescued the children,” I said. “That didn’t happen in the original story, I know, but I always thought that it shouldn’t have ended like that.”

“I always thought that as well,” said Enid, the Head Fairy.

“When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied, glaring at the Head Fairy.

“If I’m not wanted,” Enid replied.

“No, you aren’t,” said the Head of the Fairy Council, waving her wand. Enid vanished.

“I shall give you another job, but this time you can do it without the Head Fairy watching over you and waving her wand when you can’t,” the Head of the Fairy Council said, looking at me. “We will provide you with a mobile phone so that you can ring for assistance, should it be needed,” she waved her wand and a phone appeared on the table in front of her. “It is said to be tough,” she said looking at it. “Don’t break it. You will find some contacts on it. There is one number for me, another for Enid.”

I picked up the phone and she waved her wand, the last thing I heard her say was.

“And someone sort out those blasted cob webs.”

I found myself on top of a wall cupboard in a kitchen, the least of whose problems was cob webs, though there were plenty of them. The envelope was standing up in the grease next to me. I opened it carefully and pulled out the card.

His life is a worse mess than this kitchen.

It needs to be turned around.

You need to find a constructive role for him

and then point him in the right direction.

I unstuck myself from the top of the kitchen cupboard and flew down to the work surface and looked round the room.

“This needs to be sorted,” I muttered as the kitchen door opened and he walked in, saw me and picked up a bottle of tomato ketchup.

"Fairies taste good, especially with ketchup" he said advancing towards me, but stopped short when I blasted the bottle with the laser cannon I had in my pocket.

"Next target is something you don't want me to hit," I said.

"Do you mean me?" he asked hesitantly.

"Part of you," I said taking aim.

"I heard vegetarian sausages aer very good as well," he added.

"You're learning," I smiled.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you,” he said cautiously.

“You were going to eat me,” I said. “And the only reason you haven't is because I destroyed you bottle of ketchup.”

“It was organic, the last in the shop,” he said looking sadly at the smouldering remains of the bottle still clasped in his hand.

“And you think that makes it better,” I snapped. “You were going to eat me!”

“Put that way, no it doesn't make it any better,” he sighed binning what was left of the ketchup bottle.

“And you can clean the floor whilst you're at it,” I told him, still aiming the laser canon in his direction.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because this place is a shit tip,” I replied. “And you have to start somewhere.”

“What's it to you,” he muttered.

“I, for my sins, am your Fairy Godmother,” I replied.

“And what are these sins?” he asked, getting the mop and bucket out of the cupboard and then fighting the cobwebs off to get the mop out of the bucket.

“You'll need some hot water in that and some detergent,” I said peering into the bucket.

“I know that,” he said. “I'm not an imbecile.”

“You have proof?” I asked.

“You are changing the subject,” he said turning the hot tap on and running it till the water turned warm before he put the bucket under it. “What are your sins?”

“I'd rather not talk about that,” I muttered between clenched teeth.

“You're the one who mentioned them in the first place,” he smiled. “So deep down, you really need to talk about them to someone, so it might as well be me.”

“That's enough water,” I told him as the bucket got to two thirds full. “You have to leave enough space to put the mop head in without overflowing the bucket.”

“I know that and you are changing the subject again,” he said. “What are your sins? Come to that why are you my Fairy Godmother and aren't you supposed to help me?”

“It's a long story,” I said hoping that would put him off asking more questions.

“I've got time,” he smiled.

“Which is why you need a fairy godmother,” I explained.

“That and other reasons,” I thought.

“And someone choose you for the job, presumably because you upset someone over something. You weren't being diplomatic were you?” he smiled.

“I don't do diplomatic,” I snapped.

“I noticed that, so did the ketchup bottle,” he said.

“Shouldn't you be mopping?” I reminded him, looking pointedly at the mop and bucket.

“Couldn't you summon up some magic and get the mop to do that?” he asked.

“Difficult as they took my magic wand,” I thought.

“This type of help is called Hard love,” I replied. “I tell you what to do and you do it, that way, when your life turns around you know you did it by your own efforts. I didn't just wave my wand and make things better for you.”

“Where is your wand?” he asked. “They didn't take it from you, for your sins?”

I glared at him, he was being a bit too bright for my liking.

“They took your wand and told you to turn my life around, like they were setting both of us up for failure,” he said thoughtfully.

“We'll have the last laugh on that bunch,” I said. “Now clean that floor,” I added waving the laser canon from him to the bucket.

“OK, I'm cleaning,” he said plunging the mop into the steaming water. “But wouldn't this be better if we worked together.”

“No one works with me,” I muttered.

“No one works with me either,” he smiled

“You don't work,” I laughed.

“Then how about we both try something new, I'll work and you can work with me and we'll both make them eat their words.”

“OK,” I said slowly. “But if you mention tomato ketchup again.”

“It will not pass my lips,” he said hurriedly.

“It better not,” I replied, putting the laser canon back in my pocket.

“How do you fit a thing that size into your pocket, it's so much smaller?” he asked.

“That's for me to know,” I snapped.

“And me to find out,” he finished.

“Only if I put you in the pocket as well,” I replied.

“Would that be wise, I mean you do have a laser canon in there?” he said squeezing the mop out.

“You've missed a bit by the sink,” I said pointing it out to him.

“That's been there for ages,” he replied vaguely.

“So, it's about time it wasn't there any more and before you ask, I have more than one pocket,” she smiled. “Cleaning you and your home up is just the start of my work and there seems to be plenty of it to do.”

“I don't see you doing anything,” he muttered.

“I am here to tell you what needs to be done, you do it. Quite simple really,” I snapped. “Are you going to leave that mop there?”

“I've finished the floor, including the bit by the sink,” he replied.

“You squeeze out the mop again and then empty the bucket in the drain outside,” I said patiently.

“We are on the 15^th floor,” he replied.

“15^th!” I muttered.

“Didn't you notice when you arrived and by the way, how did you get in here?” he asked.

“The Fairy Council sent me directly here, or rather on top of that cupboard,” I replied pointing. “And it is disgusting up there, no excuse whatsoever, it needs a good clean, as does the rest of the place if this is anything to judge by,” I replied.

by Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 11

“Do not try to stop the program” the words appeared on the monitor.

“I don’t want to stop it, I want to join in,” I typed.

“Plug the second head set into the USB port.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” said Enid and the woman together.

“What are the goals of this game?” I asked. “I need to know what I am trying to do.”

“Do you want to join the children or join with the parents trying to stop them?” asked the program

“My husband joined the parents,” said the woman.

“Join the children,” I typed.

“Why do you want to do that?” Enid asked.

“Joining the parents obviously doesn’t work,” I explained, putting the head set on. “I need to know what the children do to win the game.”

“And if you don’t win?” the woman asked.

“I’ll have to,” I thought as the bedroom was replaced by a brightly coloured landscape, that looked like it had come from a children’s fairy tale book, which did make some sense.

“We’ve got to hurry up and catch up with the main bunch,” said a little boy with a crutch, hobbling along as quickly as he could.

“Let me help you,” I said, picking him up and flying with him along the path till we saw the main group, nice to know that some of my fairy skills worked here.

“There they are,” he said pulling out of my arms and nearly falling. I sat us down up hill from where they were. “I must join them,” he said reaching out for his crutch so that he could stand up.”

“You stay here,” I said, looking round.

“But I can’t, I’ve got to join them,” he insisted, till I put some ear plugs in his ears. When he stopped hearing the pipe music he stopped trying to join the group and sat still looking confused.

“Where am I?” he asked.

“You’re in a computer game,” I explained. “You were trying to catch up with the rest.”

“Stephen?” said an adult, coming up the hill side.

“Dad, what are you doing here?” the boy asked.

“You wouldn’t get off the computer,” he replied. “I thought if I got into the game I could get you to come home.”

“We need to get all the children to come home,” I said pointing to the group of children rapidly approaching a hole in the side of the mountain.

“If we can find the laser canon we can shoot the magic pipe and stop the children following the pied piper,” the man explained.

“But where would the hide the laser canon?” I asked.

“There are clues to that hidden around here,” Stephen explained. “You solve the clues and that leads you to something which tells you where the laser canon is hidden.

“We don’t have time for that,” I heard Enid say, though as far as I knew she was still in the boys bedroom with his Mother.

“We need to speed things up,” I said.

“I know, but I don’t know how, non of the short cuts I know seem to work, I think there may be a bug in the program,” Stephen said.

“Is there anything else the bug is doing”? I asked.

“It’s stopping people signing out of the game,” Stephen said. “I tried to close the game down hours ago, but it isn’t responding to the normal commands.

“So we need to use commands which aren’t normal,” I said, hoping the Enid would take the hint.

“I think she wants the laser canon,” Enid muttered, waving her wand over the monitor. “I hope that will do the trick.”

As I looked down at the group of children following the pied piper a laser canon appeared in front of me.

“What the hell,” muttered Stephen’s Dad, much to Stephen’s surprise.

I picked the laser canon out of the air, took aim and shot the pipe. The Pied Piper spun round and glared in my direction, tying to intimidate me.

“Who did that?” he shouted. “Show yourself.”

I shot the curly toe of his left shoe, for a second it looked like he had a candle in the end of his shoe, then he dunked it in a puddle and the flame went out. I shot the other shoe. He took one look at me, dashed through the gap in the rock wall and it closed up behind him.

“What do we do now?” asked first one child and then another and another, till all the children were asking what they should do next.

“We need to get down there,” I said, grabbing Stephen and his Father and flying down to the children.

“We need to find the way back to the village,” said another adult who was walking up to the group.

“Mummy!” squealed one little girl and ran over to her.

“And how do we do that?” I asked.

“We need to find a flock of sheep and they will lead us to a bridge, under which are three goats, and they will only allow us to cross the bridge if we can tell them the password,” she said.

“I can’t see any sheep around here,” I said. “And I don’t like the way that the rock face is shuddering.”

“That isn’t a rock face,” the girl’s Mummy said. “That is the dam at the end of the reservoir and if that keeps shaking the way it is, then the dam will give way and this whole area will be flooded and the village will drown.

“What do we do when we get back to the village?” I asked.

“We need to destroy the wishing well,” she said. “There is some evil spirit living in the bottom and she is the cause of all the problems.”

“Right,” I said, hoping that Enid would get the hint. She waved her wand and we were in the centre of the village, just by the wishing well. “OK,” I smiled, taking aim with the laser canon at the wishing well.

“Don’t do it,” came a voice from the bottom of the well.

“It has to be done,” I replied.

“I will give you everything you could ever want,” the voice at the bottom of the well replied.

“If the offer sounds too good to be true,” Enid said. “Then it is.”

I destroyed the wishing well and suddenly Stephen, his Dad and I were back in his bedroom.

Program ended and deleted

The words came up on the computer monitor and then was rapidly replaced by Stephen’s desk top and all his short cuts.

“I’d better check the with the other parents,” said Stephen’s Mum pulling her mobile phone out of her pocket. It took a while to ring round everyone, but everyone was out of the game and they had all seen the same message when they did.

“Time to go,” said Enid and we were whisked back to the Fairy Council, but not before I’d put the laser canon in my pocket. You never know when it might come in useful.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 10

Please scroll down for earlier posts

“She sorted that little problem out, very quickly,” said Enid, the Head Fairy, before the Head of the Fairy Council could say anything.

“Yes,” the Head Fairy agreed. “But not quite in the way that we were expecting.”

“How else was I supposed to do it?” I asked, not wanting to be left out of the discussion.

“You were supposed to help Santa, not the store manager,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied.

“But which Santa, there were two of them,” I replied.

“The real Santa, of course,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied.

“And which would that be?” I asked, trying to look innocent, but I think I was failing.

“Explain it to her,” the Head of the Fairy Council said to Enid, the Head Fairy.

“Santa is there for the children, so there are certain things a real Santa doesn’t do,” Enid explained.

“Like getting drunk?” I asked.

“Yes, like getting drunk,” said Enid.

“Well, he got the sack,” I explained. “And the other Santa, the one who didn’t like his beard set a light, he got his job back.”

“I’m not entirely sure about that Santa,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“He only complained to the Store manager about the children’s behaviour,” I said. “He didn’t say anything to the children.”

“OK, your right about that,” the Head of the Fairy Council agreed. “We shall have to think about it, meanwhile, we have another test for you.”

“Do I have to go as well?” asked Enid. “I am the Head Fairy, I do have other things to do.”

“We could always appoint another Head Fairy,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“That wont be necessary,” Enid replied quickly. “I’m sure my team can handle things whilst I am busy.”

“That’s settled then,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied waving her wand.

“Where are we now?” the Head Fairy muttered.

“Up another tree,” I replied. “A conifer of some kind or other.”

“There should be an envelope,” Enid sighed.

“Here it is,” I said pulling it out of the branch above me.

“So what does it say?” asked Enid.

“I’ll just open it,” I said.

Remember the story of the Pied Piper.

In this case someone has got the local

kids caught up in a virtual reality computer game,

they think they are travelling with him somewhere.

In reality they are all sitting in their rooms, not eating

or sleeping, just playing this game.

Parents have tried turning the computers off,

but the children just flop and appear lifeless

till the game is restarted.

“Shit,” I muttered.

“Do you know much about computer games?” Enid asked.

“Like when do I have time for them?” I asked.

“Do you really want me to go through all your internet history?” Enid asked.

“OK, so I’ve played the odd game, occasionally,” I said, looking down to the ground to see how far away it was, not that I can’t fly or anything, it’s just useful to know how close the ground is. It was further away than I thought.

“I’m not trying to pry,” said the Enid. “It’s just that it would help if one of us had some idea as to how these things work if we are going to tackle this problem.”

“We need to see the game,” I said. “Get some idea as to how they have got so entrenched in it.”

“Are you suggesting we play it!” said Enid looking rather shocked.

“We have to find a way to get them out. Sounds like their parents have tried, but it didn’t work,” I said.

“Yes, the children collapsed,” said Enid looking at the card.

“So we need to join in the game so we can see what they are seeing and find a way out for them,” I replied.

“I don’t like the sound of this,” said Enid.

“Can’t say that I’m all that happy with the idea, but I can’t see an alternative,” I replied.

“So who goes into this game?” asked Enid.

“I think I’d better,” I smiled.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” said Enid. “Now all we need is a computer and one of those face mask things.”

“See that bedroom window over there,” I said pointing.

“I try not to look in bedroom windows,” Enid replied, looking away from the building I was pointing to.

“There is a little boy in there who is obviously playing the game,” I replied.

“How do you know he’s playing it?” asked Enid.

“Something about the way in which his Mother is standing next to him crying,” I replied. “She needs her Fairy Godmother to come to the rescue,” I added jumping off the branch and heading towards the window.

“What!” screeched Enid, following after me as quickly as she could fly.

The window was slightly open, so I flew in and sat on top of the computer monitor.

“Hello,” I said smiling at the woman.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I am your Fairy Godmother,” I replied. “And I am here to help you.”

“Can you get my son off that, thing?” she asked. “I’d turn the machine off, but,” she sobbed.

“I know,” I said. “I need to get into the game, there has to be some way of turning it off or finishing the game.”

“People have tried and they got stuck in it as well,” the woman cried. “My husband tried.”

“So you’ve got two people stuck in it?” I asked.

“I’ve lost count of how many in this village are in that blasted thing,” she replied.

“Is there any literature about it?” asked Enid, appearing next to me.

“Who are you and how did you get in here?” asked the woman.

“I am your Fairy Godmothers supervisor,” Enid replied. “She’s not been in the job for long.”

“Right,” said the woman, her face fell.

“But that doesn’t mean that I can’t sort this out,” I replied looking at the computer. “It might help if we could see what he’s seeing,” I added, tapping a few keys. Nothing happened for a moment and then we got a message.

“Do not stop the program.”

“Not helpful,” I muttered as the woman started to dry louder.

By Janice Nye © 2019