The Fairy Godmother Part 14

“You haven’t got dressed,” I said.

“Small problem there,” he sighed.

“Nothing clean to wear?” I asked and he nodded. “Then we’d better get this washing machine kicked into action,” I replied, pointing hopefully at the machine, it did look very much the worse for wear.

“It doesn’t work,” he sighed. “Hasn’t done for at least six weeks.”

“A bit like a lot of things round here,” I muttered. “What happened when it packed in?”

“It seemed to go hipper, went through a full wash program in less than five minutes,” he replied.

“And I take it, the clothes didn’t come out clean?” I asked.

“They came out slightly damp with washing powder clumps on them,” he replied.

“And what did you do with them?” I asked.

“I put them in the bath,” he said.

“And then what?” I asked.

“I left them there,” he said.

“That explains a lot,” I sighed. “We need to get some washing done, is their a laundrette near here?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It isn’t as if I can go there anyway,” he added holding his hands up and twirling round. I had to admit, the boxer shorts were not in their first flush of existence, there were holes which the rather short tea shirt didn’t cover and being as it was December, it probably wouldn’t hold back the weather.

“We’ll put together a wash load and I’ll get it cleaned,” I replied, pulling out my mobile phone and clicking through the contacts list.

“Launderette” was first on the list, so I pressed the button to ring them.

“Hello, this is the Fairy Launderette what can we do for you,” came the reply.

“Hello,” I said. “I have some washing which I hope you can do for me.”

“The Head of the Fairy Council said you might be ringing and she said we could do one wash load,” she said.

“How do I get it to you?” I asked.

“You don’t have to, we’ve got it,” she said. “It’ll be back with you in ten minutes.”

“Thank-you,” I replied, but she had already hung up.

“The stuff in the bath has gone!” he said, returning from the bathroom. “I went to get it and it vanished.”

“The Fairy Launderette,” I explained. “They’ve agreed to take a wash load. It’ll be done in ten minutes.”

“Couldn’t they do all of it?” he asked.

“No,” I replied. “This is an emergency and they are only doing the one wash load and you’re lucky to get that.”

“I suppose I am,” he sighed. “Don’t suppose they could sort out the washing machine?” he asked hopefully.

“Do you know how to use one?” I asked, looking at the amount of powder that seemed to coat every part of it.

“You pour in a packet of washing powder and then press the go button?” he said looking hopeful.

“And have you tied that?” I asked, it might explain the mess the machine was in.

“Like I said, it went through the program in five minutes and everything came out coated in powder,” he sighed.

“And this was the first time you tried?” I asked.

“My girlfriend usually does the washing,” he mumbled.

“Is this why she left?” I asked.

“I didn’t say she’d left,” he snapped back defensively.

“You didn’t have to,” I replied. “I don’t think this place would be in quiet this mess, if she hadn’t left.”

“She knew about cleaning, she was good at it,” he said.

“She got fed up of being an unpaid washer woman,” I said.

“But,” he stuttered. “I loved her.”

“What precipitated her departure?” I asked.

“Pardon?” he looked confused.

“What happened that made her decide to leave?” I tried.

“She was going to work and asked me to take the rubbish out before she got back,” he said after racking his brain for a couple of minutes. I could tell when the thought finally arrived, it was almost like a light bulb went on inside his head.

“And you didn’t?” I asked.

“It’s a long way to the bin’s, you’ve seen what they’re like,” he said. “I thought she could do it on her way to work.”

“And risk getting her work clothes muck struck, you must be joking,” I said. He looked confused. “What did she say when she got back home?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Just picked up her bag and walked out.”

“And what did you do?” I asked, dreading to hear him.

“I asked her if she’d take the rubbish out whilst she was going downstairs,” he said with a smile.

“Did she?” I asked, ‘cause she’d be the dumbest person I know if she did.

“No,” he said. “So I dropped it out of the window for her to shift round to the bin.”

“I hope it didn’t land on her,” I replied.

“Of course not,” he said. “Missed her by a foot.”

“I hope you didn’t think that was funny,” I said.

“I was just saving her the effort of carrying it downstairs,” he said. “She’ll be back again when she realises what she’s missing.”

“And that was six weeks ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “She should be back any day now.”

“I think she’s found an alternative,” I replied. “If she was coming back, she’d be here by now.”

“But I love her,” he said looking confused.

“You chucked the rubbish out of a 15^th floor flat and it missed her by inches, what part of that says “I love you”?” I asked.

“I missed,” he said looking hopeful.

That was when the laundry came back and I left him looking through it whilst I rang the Fairy Council.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hello, thanks to you we are busy clearing cob webs,” I was told.

“Are you sure this human is worth the effort?” I asked.

“I’ll hand you to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I was told.

“Hello,” said a familiar voice. “Just fly up with a feather duster and get on with it,” she snapped at someone else. “I don’t care how big the spiders look.”

“Hello,” I said. “I’ve gone to the flat and the human there is a total mess.”

“I said he was,” the Head of the Fairy Council snapped back. “He wouldn’t need our help if he wasn’t.”

“Is he really worth the effort of sorting out?” I asked.

“You’re only in a bad mood because of the tomato ketchup,” he interrupted.

“I and your ex-girlfriend think that you are beyond redemption and that you should be left to stew in your own muck,” I told him.

“I’m not that bad,” he said. “She was just having a bad day, well, bad week, month, whatever,” he smiled.

“And did you offer her any sympathy?” I asked.

“I said there would be other jobs,” he replied looking hopeful. “And I was right, she got one the next day, at least she was out all day which amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?”

“You know the Fairy motto,” said the Head of the Fairy Council. “There is no such thing as a lost cause.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“So, get on with it,” she said. “And you, you’ve missed an enormous cob web in the corner there and stop sneezing you’ll only catapult yourself backwards.” There was a distant sneeze and then a muffled crash as someone flew backwards and hit something hard. Then the phone went dead.

“So what was the verdict?” he asked hopefully.

“I have to continue,” I replied through gritted teeth.

“Are you sure we can’t send more washing to the launderette?” he asked. “The stuff came back way better than it was before, it’s supper clean and I can’t find the holes that I know where in it.”

“I’m sure, when they say one wash load, that is what they mean,” I replied. “But they do do a good job, it’s a standard you need to aim for, especially if you want to win your girlfriend back.”

“She’s just playing hard to get,” he said.

“Do you have any idea where she went to when she walked out on you?” I asked.

“There was some sleaze bag at work, he was always telling her how wonderful she is and how she was too good for me,” he said.

“You think she’s gone to him?” I asked.

“No, he told her his sister had a spare room, she’s probably gone there,” he replied.

“You need to think of this from her point of view,” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If you were her, would you come back to this and you!” I replied.

He looked around the room, there was stuff on every surface, some of which could be identified, some of which was slowly following the stuff that had already fallen to the floor. Then he caught sight of his reflection in a mirror, the filthy clothes, hanging in rags, hair that hadn’t been combed or washed in ages, stubble that was trying to arrange itself into a beard and moustache that looked like a hairy caterpillar had taken up residence on his upper lip with the intention of becoming a food strainer, there were bits of food there to testify as to how good it was at the job.

“You aren’t seeing any of this at it’s best, me included,” he sighed.

“This is how she’ll see it if she does come back,” I replied and if she has any self respect she’ll turn round and walk away.

“You think I need to clean up a bit?” he asked.

“More than just a bit,” I replied.

“And that will bring her back?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “But she wont come back to this,” I added as something slid off the draining board and landed on a pile beneath it.

“But where do I start?” he asked. “I could spend a month working on this and it wouldn’t be any better.”

“If that is so, then you are doing it wrong,” I replied, but I was beginning to wonder that myself.

by Janice Nye © 2019