“That’s the tenth time you have checked round the rooms in the last hour,” James sighed. “It isn’t as if there are many places for her to hide.
“I know you think I’m being paranoid,” said Myrtle, checking beneath the sofa before she sat down.
“No, I don’t,” said James, taking I quick look behind the sofa and wondering if it would look better pushed up against the wall. “I know that your Mother could turn up at any moment and it is spoiling our honeymoon.”
“Do you think I should tell her?” asked Myrtle.
“It’s either that or use some magic to block her,” he smiled.
“I’m not sure anything I know would do much more than slow her down and irritate her,” said Myrtle. “I could ask Ethel.”
“I would have thought telling your Mother might be an idea,” James suggested.
“I’ve tried telling her things before, she takes it personal and gets upset,” said Myrtle.
“She will take it personal if you try to block her coming to see you,” James reminded her.
“I’m on to a bit of a loose loose here aren’t I,” said Myrtle, fishing out her phone.
“Who are you ringing?” asked James.
“I thought I’d try Velvet,” said Myrtle. “She is my fathers second wife,” Myrtle explained when James looked a little perplexed.
“Velvet,” smiled Myrtle when her call was answered.
“I have been hearing some rumours about you getting married, your grandmother and is furious,” Velvet replied. “Tell me it isn’t true.”
“It is all true,” said Myrtle.
“Tell me all about it,” said Velvet.
“Mother told the family I was going to get married,” Myrtle started.
“I’d heard that,” said Velvet. “I presume there was a big family get together to decide about the wedding.”
“Yes,” said Myrtle. “Mother thought I would want to be there.”
“They wouldn’t like that,” laughed Velvet.
“They didn’t,” said Myrtle. “So I told them to plan what they wanted, I wouldn’t be going.”
“That’s right girl, it’s your wedding you should be the one who says what’s what,” Velvet agreed. “So what happened next?”
“James, Mother and I went off to the little church where she got married and got married,” said Myrtle. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“It would have been nice to have been there, but there are a lot who would say that,” said Velvet. “I’m just glad you have found someone, who by all accounts is a very nice person. Why are you ringing me? Aren’t you on your honeymoon?”
“We are on our honeymoon,” said Myrtle looking at James. “It’s just, Mother turned up.”
“She isn’t there now is she?” asked Velvet.
“Not now,” said Myrtle. “But she just doesn’t seem to understand that turning up unannounced, the way she did this morning, on someone’s honeymoon, isn’t right.”
“Not if she wants any grandchildren,” said Velvet. “Do you want me to tell her that.”
“A bit late for that,” Myrtle replied.
“You’re pregnant!” exclaimed Velvet.
“She knew before me, so embarrassing,” Myrtle explained.
“So you would like me to try and stop her popping in at any moment?” asked Velvet.
“If you would, I’d ask Ethel, but she’d only get annoyed with her,” Myrtle sighed.
“She’ll get annoyed with me as well,” said Velvet.
“She might not realise what you are doing,” said Myrtle. “And anyway, you are more than a match for Enid, Ethel sort of folds up and tells her everything she wants to know.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Velvet laughed. “And I will do my best to keep her busy.”
“Should I get Ethel to do something as well, in case she suspects something?” Myrtle asked.
“It might be a good idea, with luck she wont notice, but in your shoes I wouldn’t chance it,” Velvet replied hanging up the phone.
“Belt and braces idea?” asked James.
“That’s the thinking,” said Myrtle. “I’d use something else as well if I could think of it.”
“Ethel,” said Myrtle as soon as the phone was answered.
“Myrtle! I’m sorry, really sorry, but Enid threatened to send me somewhere where they don’t have any internet or computers with the idea that I could explain to them what it all is and all that without being able to show them it. It would have been a nightmare,” Ethel started, the words almost falling over each other in her haste to get them out.
“It’s OK,” said Myrtle. “I should have guessed she’d turn up.”
“I don’t know what to suggest to help,” said Ethel.
“You said you could blank the signal,” said Myrtle.
“She’d guess,” said Ethel. “And the first I’d know about it, I would be in the back of beyond with no internet to call for help.”
“Velvet is going to try and keep her away,” said Myrtle. “I just need to find a way to slow her down and give me a warning if she decides to drop in.”
“Her wand has been playing up a little lately,” said Ethel. “I said it could do with a service, but she said it would have to wait for a few weeks.”
“Could you put a fault on it?” asked Myrtle. “Nothing dangerous, just, pausing her mid-flight or something, you could tell her it needs more memory to stop it buffering.”
“I could do that,” said Ethel. “But she would need a courtesy wand whilst we had it and the only ones we have at the moment have a very limited range.”
“That sounds perfect,” said Myrtle. “If you could keep her wand till after we come back I would be eternally grateful. Tell her there’s been a problem with the supply chain, held up at customs, factory caught fire, something like that.”
“There was a factory caught fire the other day,” said Ethel.
“I hope no one was hurt,” said Myrtle.
“No, but all the chips were burnt,” said Ethel.
“Perfect, you can tell her it needs new chips and the chip factory burnt down,” said Myrtle.
“OK, as long as she doesn’t find out what sort of chips they were,” said Ethel.
“What sort where they?” asked Myrtle.
“Banana chips,” Ethel laughed. “When do you want me to do it?”
“Now,” said Myrtle. “If she finds out, tell her it was my fault. If you aren’t there when I get back, I’ll make her tell me where you are and bring you back myself.”
“Thank-you,” said Ethel hanging up.
“That sounded a bit like belt, braces and something else as well,” smiled James, putting the breakfast tray outside and hanging a do not disturb sign on the door handle.
“I can’t make any promises, but we should have a warning before she turns up,” said Myrtle. “And I could put a timed delay on the bedroom door.”
“Whatever it takes,” said James as she waved her wand.
By Janice Nye © 2021
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