You would think that it would just require a wave of the wand and I’d be in the hospital, after all, I just have to do that to get anywhere, but it doesn’t work that way. I think that a few years back there were a lot of people sent to the hospital, via a wand, and they collided, some people ended up with the wrong body parts, some were missing a few important bits, heads, that sort of thing. I don’t think they ever worked out how many had been sent there, all I do know is that only half a dozen had all their own bits and five of them were dead before they were sent, since then it has been forbidden. Hence Enid ringing for an ambulance, unfortunately they haven’t got it properly organised yet, which is why I was coming round when they arrived.
“What happened?” the ambulance man asked.
“I don’t know,” I told them. “I went to bed and woke up lying here on the floor and every time I try to get up everything goes dark again.”
“Who rang for us?” he asked.
“I did,” snapped Enid. “I was checking up on my daughter and I found her like this.”
“Did you hear anything?” he asked.
“Of course not, I was fifty miles away,” snapped Enid.
“And you came to check up on her?” he asked.
“I thought there was something wrong, I was worried about her and rightly so,” said Enid.
“Shouldn’t you be checking me to make sure I’m OK or taking me to the hospital or something?” I asked, feeling a bit left out of the discussion.
“We are just trying to find out how you ended up down there,” the ambulance man replied. “Assuming, that is, that you don’t normally sleep on the floor.”
“If I did there would be no purpose to me having a bed,” I said.
“Nor would I have rung you,” Enid added.
“The pool of blood under the patients head is growing,” said the paramedic.
“I was wondering when someone was going to notice that,” said the ambulance man.
“Would someone kindly do something about it,” I said and then things went dark again. Next thing I remember I was waking up in a hospital bed with a splitting headache.
“You’re awake,” said Enid, pressing a button on the bedside cabinet.
“I think so,” I replied with a wince.
“You are so useless,” snapped Enid. “I would have thought even you would be able to tell if you were awake!”
“I hope I wouldn’t dream a headache this bad,” I replied wincing as I tried to sit up.
“How many times must I tell you not to move,” snapped Enid, pressing the button again. “They said if you wake up to press this, what’s the point if they don’t respond.”
“What do you mean if?” I asked.
“You have been like this for six weeks,” she said looking at her watch.
“Have you been here all that time?” I asked.
“Of course not, I’ve got to sleep, we, your family and friends, set up a rota, it’s just chance that I was here now,” Enid said, but the bags under her eyes told a different story.
“Ah, so the sleeping beauty has woken up at last,” said a cheerful looking man in a white coat with a stethoscope draped round his neck.
“I was debating that with my Mother,” I replied.
“And how do we feel?” he asked.
“Well, Mum looks like she hast slept for ages, I have a splitting headache and I’m assuming you can speak for yourself,” I replied, trying to take account of all the people in the room.
“So you are the comedian of the family,” he replied, his face fell slightly as Mum rushed out of the room sobbing.
“I think Enid may be a bit over tired,” said a nurse, whom I hadn’t noticed. “She has been at Myrtle’s side since she was brought in six weeks ago.”
“I don’t know why she would be upset, being awake is a good sign,” he said. “Could you get her something for her headache nurse?”
“Yes Doctor,” the nurse replied.
“So, how are you feeling?” he asked me.
“I have a headache,” I replied.
“And apart from that?” he asked.
“I’d like to know why I am here,” I said, trying to get my thoughts together.
“You have had a rather nasty blow to the head and going by the test results, you have been eating the wrong type of mushrooms,” he said. “Do you remember when you last ate mushrooms?”
“I had a fried mushroom sandwich just before I went to bed,” I replied.
“Is that all?” he asked.
“And a mug of hot chocolate,” I added.
“There was no evidence of anything having been cooked,” said a strange voice.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“I am the person in charge of finding out what happened to you,” he said. “If you could tell me what happened, in the right order,” he said pulling a notebook out of his pocket.
“I was hungry, so I looked through the cupboards to see what I could find, in the way of food,” I said.
“And that is when you found the mushrooms and decided to fry them?” he asked.
“No,” I replied. “That is when I found that there was no food in the flat.”
“So where did the mushrooms come from?” he asked.
“They appeared, as a hot fired mushroom sandwich, on a plate, on the work surface with a message from Maud,” I replied.
“Maud?” he asked.
“She runs the canteen,” I replied.
“And she has a habit of sending you hot fried mushroom sandwiches?” he asked.
“No, but she is a kind person and she knows that I have been working hard lately,” I replied.
“So it didn’t come as a surprise to find this sandwich appearing?” he asked.
“Not at the time,” I replied.
“But now?” he asked.
“Now I think back, she would have delivered it herself, not just sent it,” I replied.
“So who do you think sent it?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “But I think I know someone who could find out.”
“Ethel?” said Enid, returning to my bedside.
“And who are you?” asked the investigator.
“I am her Mother,” Enid replied in her most imperial of manor.
“I see,” he replied. “And your name is?”
“Enid,” she snapped.
“We have had our best tech people trying to find out about everything coming in and our of your rooms and found out nothing,” he said. “I don’t think this Ethel will be able to find out anything that we can’t.”
“Ethel works in the office of the Fairy Godmother,” I explained. “She knows all about the techie stuff that we use and if anyone can trace how that mushroom sandwich and mug of hot chocolate got there and where it came from, it would be her.”
“We have the best tech people working for us,” he blustered.
“Mum, will you go and ask Ethel?” I asked Enid.
“Of course,” Enid replied. “Take care, I wont be long,” she added walking out of the room and out of the building,so that she could clear the wand deadening field.
“I don’t think that is going to be much help,” the investigator replied.
“I think we should judge that when we get the results back,” I replied, resting my head back on the pillows.
“I think the patient is tired,” said the Doctor.
“I only have a few more questions,” the investigator replied.
“Could you tell the Easter bunny that I will sort out the Easter egg supply tomorrow, I’m feeling a little bit woozy and he won’t listen to me,” I said to the Doctor, I’ll explain it all to the Easter bunny later, he’s very understanding, I’m sure he’ll understand.
“No more questions,” said the Doctor firmly. “I don’t think you’d get any sensible answers from her anyway.”
“I shall be back later,” said the investigator. “Could you let me know if her Mother or Ethel turn up, I would like to speak to them as well.”
“Of course,” said the Doctor, guiding him out of the room.
By Janice Nye © 2020
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