The Fairy Godmother Part 20

I didn’t think it was polite to comment on the flavour of the hot chocolate. Something seemed a little off, but it was very smooth and soothing for my throat and it did shut that annoying cough up, soon I was fast asleep. Perhaps I have misjudged him and he does have at least one redeeming feature.

“Right,” said Enid to him. “No more miss nice fairy godmother.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You know the good fairy, bad fairy routine,” said Enid. “Well she’s the good fairy.”

“But she’s been threatening me with a laser canon!” he replied. “How can she be the good fairy.”

“Because I am far worse than she could ever be,” Enid smiled. “She was thinking of something along the lines of the old Scrooge story to shake you out of your current state of being.”

“You mean the ghosts of Christmases past, present and future?” he asked nervously.

“Something along that line,” said Enid. “Personally I was thinking of something along the lines of Girlfriends past, present and future.”

“I don’t understand,” he said looking worried his gaze turning to the door and the rather odd sound of someone banging on it.

“Better go and see who it is?” Enid smiled. “You don’t want to keep them waiting.”

“Is this Girlfriends past?” he asked.

“You wont find out stand here,” Enid said. “And one of them may still have a key,” she added, laughing as he ran to the door. He opened it cautiously and the small crowd pushed past him and made their way to the kitchen.

“Is this the latest victim?” the first one asked, seeing his Fairy Godmother asleep on the sofa.

“She is my Fairy Godmother and she’s got a cold,” he muttered, trying to make his way into the kitchen.

“Fairy Godmother,” someone laughed.

“Did you give her some hot chocolate?” another asked.

“You had the hot chocolate as well?” the first one in asked.

“We’d better hang around till she wakes up,” said the last one through the kitchen door.

“I wouldn’t,” he shouted.

“Changed have you,” one of them asked.

“She isn’t human, she’s a fairy godmother,” he muttered.

“That wouldn’t have stopped you before,” one of them replied and the rest of them laughed.

“Nothing would have stopped you,” one said bitterly.

“Just part of the plan to get someone to look after you,” said a voice which he didn’t recognise.

“Who said that?” he asked.

“Why are you interested?” they asked.

“Because I don’t remember you, I recognise everyone else, can’t put a name to all of you, but you I don’t remember at all,” he said as the person changed back into Enid.

“It’s nice to know you remember us to some extent,” said one of them.

“Tina,” he said looking at her.

“I’m Lisa,” she said.

“I thought you were Tina?” he mumbled.

“I’m Tina,” said someone else who looked remarkably similar.

“Of course you are,” he said. “I don’t know how I could have mistaken you and I don’t know why I left you.”

“I left you,” she snapped. “You were a swine. You expected me to take time off work when you had a bit of a cold and expected me to go in to work when I was nearly delirious, I had a fervour, even the kiddie thermometer said, go to the hospital.”

“You did work at the hospital,” he said.

“I worked at a dentists,” she snapped.

“Easy mistake to make,” he muttered.

“Shows how much interest you took in my work,” Tina said.

“OK, I’m not perfect,” he replied. “But I tried.”

“That’s the problem,” said Lisa. “You didn’t try. I worked nights.”

“I never complained about it,” he said quickly.

“You never did the shopping,” she snapped. “The shops were shut when I came home from work, I’d have to get up early to go out and get everything. You wouldn’t even tell me what we needed, I had to guess and if I got it wrong, you’d go on about how I couldn’t even sort that out.”

“You went past the shops,” he muttered.

“When they were shut,” she shouted.

“Oh!” he said. “I didn’t realise.”

“You just sat around all day, I had to go out in the afternoon and get everything,” she snapped. “It would have been nice having you there telling me what we needed and helping with the carrying.”

“He wasn’t much good at that,” said another and everyone turned to look at her. “He used to come with me to the shops. All he ever wanted was crisps and booze.”

“Typical,” was the general reply.

“It wasn’t all I wanted,” he replied. “I suggested tissues one time.”

“You are right,” she agreed. “He was coming down with a cold,” she told the crowd. “I was picking the soggy masses up from all round the flat for the next month!”

“I didn’t think it was a good idea to put them in the bin,” he said. “It might have spread the infection.”

“You could have put them in a plastic bag or something anything other than leave a trail of them round the place,” she told him.

“I thought you liked living here, with me,” he said looking confused.

“We didn’t move in to be your career,” said one girl.

“We thought it would be an equal partnership,” said another.

“Not us getting a job and then coming home to wait on you,” said Tina.

“That is why we left, you were too much like hard work,” said Lisa. He sat down, shaking his head and one by one all his ex-girlfriends left, except for one, standing in the shadows.

“That is girlfriends past,” said Enid.

“I haven’t got a girlfriend at the moment,” he said. “So how do you plan to do that?”

“Did you think for one moment that I would come back to this tip?” the last of his ex-girlfriends asked him, moving our from he shadows.

“I’ve tidied up a bit,” he started.

“Only because sleepy head here made you and look what’s happened to her, she’s picked up some bug or other that was lying in the dust,” she said heading towards the door.

“I’m no good without you,” he said. “I fell to pieces when you left me.”

“It looks like it,” she said pausing for a second. “But no one likes to be the support person, the one without whom nothing happens, the cook, cleaner and all round dogs body.”

“But,” he said.

“There were things I wanted to do, but after working all night and spending all day looking after you, I didn’t have any energy left,” she replied.

“I didn’t know,” he sighed.

“You never asked,” she said walking out of the flat door and letting it slam shut behind her.

“Girlfriends future?” he asked slowly.

“Come with me,” said Enid holding out her hand to him. He took it and they sailed through the window together, to a dance club where he spent the evening talking to any girl he saw. As the dancers began to thin out and people went home he found himself talking to a girl at the bar.

“So where are you going to now,” he asked as the music stopped and the man behind the bar refused to sell any more drinks.

“Good question,” she sighed. “I’d go home, but I’m not welcome there any more.”

“You could come home with me,” he said. Next thing they were in her car speeding along the road to his block of flats.

“Are you sure you live round here?” she asked as people scurried into the shadows when they pulled up in front of the block.

“I live on the 15^th floor,” he said pointing towards the block and people started coming out of the shadows towards them.

“I’m not that desperate,” she muttered, opened the door, pushed him out and then drove off at high speed. He looked around at the people walking towards him and started running towards the flats. There was an “Out of order” sign on the lift door and he headed for the stairs, running as fast as he could in the hope that they would give up whilst he could still run. He had the key to his flat in his hand two floors before he got there and as he opened his door an avalanche of rubbish fell on him.

He woke up to find himself lying on the kitchen floor fighting with the kitchen bin, Enid was watching him.

“Do you see what needs changing?” she asked.

“So much,” he said. “Not just me and I can’t do it all, I’m just one person.”

“What time of year is it?” Enid asked.

“Christmas,” he said.

“And what do we celebrate?” she asked.

“The birth of Jesus,” he said.

“And he was one person,” Enid replied.

“I am not him,” he said.

“This is one block of flats, not the world,” said Enid. “Start by changing yourself and this flat, then get to know your neighbours, give them a hand with things and work form there. This place needs a bit of community spirit, people helping each other.”

“Is that what she was doing when she got the dealers arrested?” he asked.

“You noticed?” Enid said.

“I hear things,” he smiled.

“That was bringing the place down, making people not want to go out after dark, the residents need to reclaim the night and get things in this place working properly, you got the lift sorted,” Enid said.

“And that will change the Christmas yet to come?” he asked.

“Of course it will,” Enid replied. “The past is history, we can learn from it. The present is where we start from and the future is ours to create.”

“I’d better get cleaning,” he said as I yawned and stretched.

“Your work is done here,” Enid told me, time to go.

“But,” I muttered as the flat disappeared and we stood once more in the Hall of the Fairy Council.

“Sleeping on the job again,” said the Head of the Fairy Council. “We have Christmas to sort. There is work to do, get out of my sight the both of you!”

by Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 19

“Shouldn’t you use a tissue?” he asked. I had sneezed a zillion times with hardly time to draw breath and when that ended my poor nose was dripping and my hands were covered with slime.

“I don’t have one,” I replied looking at my hands. He proffered me some kitchen roll which looked as if it had been sitting in a pool of something, but it had to be better than nothing.

“Now there is the problem of what to do with that,” he said looking at it as if it contained all the worst known germs in the world, plus a few unknown ones.

“Do you have a plastic bag that I can put it in?” I asked.

“The ex didn’t like plastic bags, said they were smothering the planet, polluting the oceans and strangling the wildlife,” he replied.

“Very worthy,” I replied, thinking of the problems I’d had with plastic bags as a tooth fairy. A tooth is relatively small, a tooth in a plastic bag can be quite a problem, the whole package is so much bigger and the bags rustle very loudly.

“You can’t just leave it lying about,” he said. “Think of the germs.”

“I shall take it to the bin,” I sighed and headed out of the window.

“Why don’t you use the door, like everyone else?” he asked as I flew down to the bins.

“It’s you again,” said the man who, as always, was hanging round the bins.

“I could say the same,” I replied hovering over the correct bin and managing to deposit the soggy mess that had been kitchen paper, into it.

“Do you fly everywhere?” he asked.

“Saves ware and tare on my shoes,” I replied.

“No one comes here any more because of you,” he said. “You’ve chased all my customers away.”

“Then I suggest you find alternative employment,” I replied.

“There are people wanting money from me,” he said. “Because of you, I haven’t got it.”

“Give them back what you didn’t sell,” I suggested.

“They don’t want it back, they want their money and they are getting rather angry,” he said.

“Very,” said a voice from the shadows.

“You are both being very stupid,” said Enid. I think my ears are rather gummed up, that’s the second time I haven’t heard her coming.

“And what’s it to do with you?” the man by the bins asked.

“I am the Head Fairy, the well being of all the fairy’s is my business,” Enid snapped.

“Get you,” muttered the voice from the shadows. Enid waved her wand and he was dragged out into the beam from the street light. He didn’t look half as menacing as he sounded, but he still didn’t look like someone you would want to meet in a dark ally or by the bins.

“Nice to see who I’m talking to,” said Enid.

“This is between, me, him and possibly her,” he said waving in my direction. “It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“It has everything to do with me,” said Enid. “Do not presume to tell me what my business is.”

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“Of course we do,” said one of the two Policemen who were busily hand cuffing him and the man by the bins. “You are the two who are going to accompany us to the station to answer some questions about all this,” he added holding up a bag which seemed rather heavy.

“And what about them?” they asked him.

“Who?” asked one of the Policemen. “You two are the only ones here.”

“But there were two Fairies, flying about, above the bins,” the man from the shadows insisted.

“You been sampling the wares have you?” he was asked as he was helped into the back of the Police car.

“What were you going to do with those two?” Enid asked.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I don’t think it would be a problem if I had my wand back.”

“The more you keep saying that, the longer it will be before you get it back,” Enid replied. “You know how the Head of the Fairy Council works.”

“I think she sent me this cold or whatever it is,” I said sneezing violently and covering at least ten of the bins in slime.

“You may be right, but it’s nothing compared with what the Fairies she had getting rid of the cobwebs have and as for the ones who had to clean the snot off the council table, chairs and floor, you don’t want to know how ill they are,” said Enid.

“And you want me to wrap up this job quickly and head back there?” I replied.

“OK, that isn’t much of an incentive, but Christmas is coming and there is a growing backlog of things to do, we need all the help we can get,” Enid replied.

“A wave of a wand would sort all that out,” I replied. “But I don’t have my wand, so the Head of the Fairy Council will just have to sort it out herself.”

“That isn’t going to endear you with her,” said Enid.

“At this moment, I have a splitting headache, my throat is red raw and my nose is running like a tap which is odd because it feels blocked,” I replied. “So forgive me for not feeling sorry for her, but I don’t,” I added and started coughing uncontrollably, which was extremely annoying as I had just got level with the kitchen window of his flat and the coughing had shot me backwards, several yards and up a few floors. I waved and smiled at the children in the flat three floors up from the one I was aiming at and made a second attempt at getting back to the kitchen.

“And don’t you dare laugh at me,” I snapped.

“Was that for my benefit or hers?” he asked as I climbed into the window.

“Yes,” I snapped.

“You are in a bad way,” he said. “You should go to bed.”

“A Fairy Godmother doesn’t sleep on the job,” Enid said sharply.

“I have also been told that they don’t catch colds,” he said looking at me. Enid handed me a handkerchief just in time to catch the next bout of sneezing.

“You’d better keep it,” said Enid when I’d finished. Got to say one thing about fairy handkerchiefs, doesn’t matter how much snot you aim at them, they always look clean and freshly ironed.

“Perhaps a rest might improve her efficiency,” Enid admitted.

“So should I head back to the Fairy dormitory?” I asked.

“Not really possible,” said Enid.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Well, for one,” said Enid. “You may not have the same bug as everyone else.”

“And the other reason?” I asked.

“Your bed has been reallocated,” Enid added. “They had to segregate the sick and the healthy.”

“So the Head of the Fairy Council wouldn’t be able to accommodate me even if I was well enough to go back,” I said.

“Not at the moment,” said Enid. “Though I’m sure, when you are well enough, we will find somewhere for you.”

“She can always sleep here,” he said.

“It is a one bedroomed flat,” Enid and I said together.

“I don’t mind sharing,” he smiled.

“I do,” I snapped.

“There’s a sofa,” said Enid. “You’ll just have to sleep there, for the time being.”

“This is impossible,” I snapped, but she was fading away even as I said that.

“It’s a comfy sofa,” he smiled.

“You had better not get any ideas,” I said.

“I’ll get you a clean duvet and some pillows and make you a mug of hot chocolate,” he said. “My exs all used to love that when they weren’t well.”

“Thank-you,” I replied. “At this moment I can’t think of anything nicer,” probably because at that moment I was struggling to think straight.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 18

“He’s reading?” Enid said, making me jump because I hadn’t realised she was there.

“He’s reading the instruction to the dishwasher and the washing machine,” I replied.

“And why is he doing that?” Enid asked.

“Because he needs to know how to use them if he is to keep the place in any semblance of order,” I said. “And because I threatened him with a laser canon if he didn’t,” I added and then started coughing again.

“Fairy Godmothers don’t cough,” said Enid.

“I think this is evidence to the contrary,” I replied.

“You need to get this place cleaned up and get out of here,” said Enid.

“And if I do that, which would take two ticks if I had my wand, if I did that it would be back to the same tip within two weeks,” I replied.

“And you think that getting him to read instruction manuals is going to prevent that?” she asked.

“He shouldn’t be dependant on a woman to look after him,” I replied starting to sneeze. “He should be able to look after himself. I shouldn’t think anyone wants to think of themselves as an unpaid servant, only there to put a meal on the table and do the ironing.”

“He doesn’t look like he needs much ironing,” said Enid looking at him.

“That’s another thing on the list of equipment he needs to know how to use,” I replied. “I’ve just got to find that and the ironing board first.”

“The Head of the Fairy Council sent me here to see if there is any way of speeding up your progress,” Enid said. “We have a lot of work to do and you aren’t the only fairy coughing.”

“So much for fairy’s don’t get colds,” I replied.

“I think it’s to do with the dust that was on the cobwebs,” Enid replied.

“They shouldn’t have been there,” I replied. “They are happy enough to tell others what to do, perhaps they should check their own house first.”

“I’d be careful what you say,” Enid hissed. “You don’t want to make an enemy of the Head of the Fairy Council.”

“I thought I already had,” I sneezed and looked at him busy, supposedly reading, but I could see that he was trying hard not to laugh.

“And what do you find amusing in the washing machine manual?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he assured me. “I was just reading about the different wash loads, I don’t think I have any delicates, not as far as laundry goes.”

“There is a large mound of washing in your bedroom, you should bring it in here and divide it into wash loads,” I replied.

“But,” he said, the smile gone from his face.

“It is time to put some of that new found knowledge into practice,” I said, pointing the laser canon to the door.

“OK,” he said. “But it’s going to take forever to get through that lot.”

“It will take longer than forever if you don’t get to work and wash it,” I said. “Now get a shift on.”

“Whatever,” he muttered.

“He’s right,” said Enid.

“He’s exaggerating,” I replied.

“The consensus is that this job is taking far too long,” Enid replied.

“It is not a simple job,” I replied. “Of course things would be quicker if I had my wand, but that would just clean the place up, changing his attitude is what is taking time and a wand wouldn’t speed that up.”

“So what are you saying?” Enid asked.

“We need to change his mind,” I replied. “And unless you can think of something that would produce an epiphany then it is going to take time.”

“The Head of the Fairy Council is not going to be happy with that,” Enid replied.

“I know, but her wanting extra hands for the Christmas work isn’t going to change anything, unless,” I added.

“Unless what?” asked Enid sounding worried.

“You know the story of Scrooge?” I asked.

“The ghosts of Christmas past, present and yet to come?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Some sort of variation on that.”

“I’m listening,” Enid said.

“Christmas past,” I said. “We need to find out something about his early memories of Christmas, something that changed his life or set it in the mould that it is in.”

“By we?” Enid asked.

“I can’t exactly ask him about that, can I, he’d be suspicious,” I replied.

“That’s true,” said Enid. “But who would know?”

“I was thinking the Head of the Fairy Council, after all, she gave me the job, she must know something about him,” I said.

“That is true, that is very true,” said Enid.

“Christmas present,” I continued. “We could whisk him forward in time to a Christmas party and he brings someone back to his flat, they take one look at it and walk out?”

“Bit hackneyed,” said Enid. “Anyway, once she saw the block of flats, she wouldn’t get out of her car to go up to the 15^th floor, he’d be lucky if she stopped long enough for him to get out of it with some level of dignity.”

“That’s true,” I sighed. “Do you have some suggestions.”

“I’m working on it,” said Enid. “The idea of the three ghosts is good, but maybe the Christmas theme is pushing things a bit.”

“It’s just that time of year,” I smiled.

“All the more reason to go down another line of thinking,” Enid replied.

“Such as?” I asked.

“I thought you were good with off the wall ideas,” said Enid.

“Usually,” I sighed. “But my head feels like it has been stuffed with grease and I can’t seem to focus it the way I normally do.”

“I’ll see what the Head of the Fairy Council has to say,” said Enid. “Meanwhile, keep thinking, you might come up with something,” she added and then faded away into nothing.

“So, did your friend come up with any ideas?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped. I hadn’t realised that he could see Enid or that he might be able to hear what we’d been talking about.

“Have you divided the washing into loads?” I asked pointing to the pile of mucky clothes in the middle of the kitchen.

“They all looked to be dark, so I put them in one pile,” he smiled.

“I can see woollies in that lot,” I snapped. “If you put them in with the ordinary wash, they’ll shrink.”

“Woollies?” he asked.

“Jumpers,” I said. “Also, you want bed linen and towels separate to the rest.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Perhaps it is the thought of unclean underwear in with towels, I don’t know, however, going by the smell of this lot, I would suggest you fish out the undies and socks to start off with and see how that fills the machine,” I replied.

“OK,” he said. “I shall separate out the smellies and we can see where we go from there.”

“It has to improve the odour of this place at the very least,” I replied.

“So what were you and your friend talking about?” he asked.

“The world, the universe and everything except for you,” I replied as I supervised the amount of powder and rinse aide he added to the machine. “How come you have so many socks?” I asked.

“Christmas presents, I always get socks for Christmas,” he sighed.

“From everyone?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “That and boxer shorts.”

“I was wondering about those,” I said as a particularly vivid pair wandered across the font of the washing machine.

“Have you ever gone out and bought any yourself?” I asked.

“There has never been much point in it, I just have to last through till Christmas to get some more,” he smiled.

“Is that the same for all your clothes?” I asked.

“If you mean, do I buy any?” he asked.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“That’s what girlfriends and Mothers are for,” he laughed.

“That gives me an idea?” I thought. “Forget the Christmas theme, lets go with clothes.”

by Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 17

The muesli did take a lot of eating. Didn’t matter how much I chewed it just didn’t seem to take up the hazel nut milk and was proving difficult to swallow, but I persevered, a good Fairy Godmother leads by example. It seemed to keep him amused.

“Interesting,” he said standing up and heading out of the kitchen.

“Where do you think you are going?” I snapped, getting to the door before him and then having a coughing fit.

“I’m going back to bed,” he said. “All this getting up in the morning, it’s not me really. Might be an idea if you went to bed too,” he added. “Sounds like you are coming down with a nasty cold.”.

“Fairy Godmothers don’t get colds,” I snapped, but my efforts were wasted on him as I had a sneezing fit that sent me flying backwards out of the room and ended up with me sitting, rather uncomfortably, on the toilet. He took the opportunity to leg it into his bedroom and lock the door. I carefully stood up and made my way back to the kitchen and rang the Head Fairy.

“Tell me you have turned his life around and are heading back to the Council for extra Christmas duties,” said Enid as soon as she answered my call.

I tried to talk, but all I could do was cough.

“You have not got a cold,” Enid replied. “Fairy Godmothers do not get colds.” I sneezed, loudly and my ear drums went pop. “Have you disturbed a lot of dust?”

“Yes,” I croaked. “Difficult not to in here.”

“That’s why you are coughing and sneezing,” Enid assured me.

“So what do I do?” I asked.

“Well, go full steam ahead with getting the place clean and dust free,” she replied. “The sooner the dust is gone, the sooner you will stop all that noise. Get your human to help, he’s part of the cause of all this dust, where is he anyway?”

“He said he doesn’t do mornings and went back to bed after he’d eaten a bowel of muesli,” I said.

“Did he like the muesli?” she asked.

“He said it was interesting,” I said.

“What did you think?” she asked.

“Takes a lot of chewing,” I said.

“At least I’m not the only one who thinks that,” she muttered. “Did he wash the dishes?”

“No, he’s got a dishwasher,” I coughed.

“Did he put the bowels in it?” she asked.

“It was full of clean crockery,” I replied.

“And he didn’t hang around to empty it, just went to bed?” Enid asked.

“Went to bed and locked the door,” I replied.

“Hard love, that’s what you need to use,” said Enid.

“What?” I asked, my head felt as if someone had shoved a 13.5 tog double duvet in through one ear and was trying to pull it out through my nose.

“Simple, ring him up, he’s bound to have taken his mobile phone in there with him, and tell him that if he doesn’t come out and do some housework you are going to use that laser canon of yours to blow out his bedroom window,” Enid told me and then hung up.

“OK,” I thought ringing him up and repeating the message.

“You wouldn’t do that?” he asked.

“I don’t like coughing, I hate sneezing,” I paused for a sneezing fit and then paused again whilst I coughed my breakfast up, it still looked like muesli as it fell the 15 floors to the ground and landed on the person who had been doing something down at the bins. I wasn’t sure what, but I don’t think he was putting out the rubbish. He looked up and I was going to hiss at him, worked quite well when I was a tooth fairy and the family cat thought I was some sort of toy. That didn’t happen, I coughed up a load of bile green phlegm, it got caught by a gust of wind near the ground and hit him fair and square in the face. I honestly didn’t think he could run that fast.

“And this is not putting me in the best of moods,” I added, doing my best not to laugh at the look on the man’s face.

“OK, I get the picture,” he said. “You can come back in now.”

“I will see you in the kitchen,” I said and started coughing, which made it rather difficult to get back to the kitchen window, I still got there before him.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked smiling.

“The dishwasher needs emptying,” I said pointing at it with the laser canon.

“I’ve started emptying it, I got the bowels from there,” he said hopefully.

“So, you are happy for the dishes to accumulate whilst you are emptying it,” I said. “That isn’t going to happen.” I started coughing again. “This is not making me happy,” I said pointing the laser canon at him.

“OK,” he said emptying the dishwasher onto the kitchen table.

“Put them into the cupboards,” I shouted and then started coughing again.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to empty it onto the table first?” he asked, but the muzzle of the laser canon pushed against his nose stopped him from arguing and further.

“OK, OK, straight to the cupboards,” he said. “You did a good job of cleaning these,” he added.

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” I replied and started sneezing, accidentally shooting a hole in the tea towel he was holding.

“Careful,” he muttered. “I don’t have that many tea towels.”

“Then get on with using it,” I said.

“OK,” he smiled.

It took nearly half an hour for him to empty the machine, I didn’t think they held that much, but then he was quite slow and meticulous with the drying.

“Now what?” he asked.

“When was the last time you cleaned that machine, back flushed the filter, topped up the salt and the rinse aid?” I asked.

“It’s domestic machinery,” he replied. “My girlfriend uses it.”

“She isn’t here, in case you’ve forgotten,” I replied. “But the mucky dishes will be.”

“I could live on a diet of take aways,” he said.

“And you could put on so much weight no girl would give you a second glance, let alone be prepared to take on your housework, even if you did pay them,” I said.

“You don’t think someone could do all that stuff for the joy of my company?” he asked, for once sounding a little uncertain.

“I have experienced your company for the last day and it isn’t anything I would cross the road for,” I replied.

“So why are you here?” he asked.

“You are a work in progress and a Fairy Godmother doesn’t leave a job half done,” I explained.

“And you are the ultimate professional,” he smiled.

“Tell that one to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I muttered.

“So that’s who you upset,” he laughed.

“If you are going to upset someone, you may as well make sure they are big,” I replied.

“So cleaning the dishwasher,” he said.

“The book that came with the dishwasher has all the instruction you need,” I replied pointing to a book on the kitchen table. “Read, inwardly digest and clean the dishwasher.”

“And if I don’t?” he asked.

“If you can’t be bothered to read the instructions then you wont be allowed to use the machine,” I replied.

“I can live with that,” he smiled.

“Can you live with washing the dishes by hand?” I asked. He picked up the book and started studying it.

“After you have done that you can read up about the washing machine,” I said, pointing to another book.

“Is there anything else you want me to study?” he asked.

“Probably,” I replied.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 16

Dawn broke late and still he hadn’t got up. I listened to the other people in the flats head off for work and still he slept on. By nine o’clock I had decided that I had waited long enough.

“Ready or not, here I come,” I muttered to myself and walked into his bedroom and departed rather rapidly, the smell was something I would rather not think about. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and rang the Head Fairy.

“And how goes the transformation?” she asked.

“Slowly,” I replied. “It would go a lot quicker if the lazy slob would get out of bed.”

“Go in and wake him up,” she said.

“I tried,” I said. “But the room stinks!”

“Then the room needs airing,” she said. “You need to open the window, wide. It will probably wake him up as well.”

“I’d have to go in there to do that,” I said. “And when I say the place is rank, it is the worst smell I have ever come across in all my born days.”

“Have you told the Head of the Fairy Council what you think of him?” she asked.

“She said there is no such thing as a lost cause and to get on with it,” I replied.

“Then I suggest you take a deep breath, open the door and head for the window as quick as you can, open it and fly out. You can get back in through a different window,” the Head Fairy replied.

“Couldn’t you get her to find me another job, any job will do,” I begged.

“I know her of old,” Enid said. “If you do that, she’ll find you something that is a million times worse and you’ll be begging for her to send you back to him.”

“Worse than him!” I exclaimed.

“She’ll find something or someone, somewhere,” Enid replied. “Stick with this one and sort him, that is my best advice.”

“Thanks,” I said and hung up.

“I hope the Head of the Fairy Council hasn’t given her something bad to sort,” I thought, getting my mind round following her advice when he came out of his bedroom.

“You look like you were thinking of coming in here,” he smiled.

“You should be up and about, not sleeping,” I said. “There is work to be done.”

“Such as?” he asked, stepping forward. I stepped backwards because the smell seemed to be following him out of the room.

“That room needs airing for a start off,” I replied. “You could cut the air coming out of there with a knife and probably cook it in the toaster.”

“Don’t you like the odour?” he asked. “One of my ex’s said it was very masculine,” he said.

“She must have been deluded by the spirits or something,” I replied.

“I suppose she did tend to drink a lot,” he admitted.

“Go and open the window,” I said.

“Or else?” he asked and I pointed the laser canon at him. “My you did get out of the wrong side of the bed didn’t you,” he said going back into the bedroom and opening the window.

“Open it wide,” I said. “Or you will have a hole where the window was.”

“OK,” he said. “But it can get windy up here, the windows have been know to get blown further open than even you would want and to smash on the side of the building.”

“That is a risk I am prepared to take,” I replied.

“Where did you sleep last night?” he asked. “Not that I’d mind if you wanted to join me,” he added with a smile.

“I did not sleep,” I replied. “And the last place I’d sleep would be with you!”

“I’m not that bad,” he said.

“Really, so why do you have so many ex’s?” I asked.

“I was hoping you’d tell me,” he said smiling.

“Probably because your flat looks like a bomb would improve it, you think women are only there to wait on you, you have no idea of hygiene and you think work is something other people do,” I said.

“Apart form that?” he asked.

“You are an arrogant know it all with all the sensitivity of, I can’t think what, because everything that comes to mind is more sensitive than you could ever hope to be,” I replied, putting the laser canon back in my pocket, because the temptation was getting rather great. “You should have some breakfast and then you can start cleaning.”

“What do you think I should clean next?” he asked.

“The bath,” I replied.

“But I cleaned it yesterday, twice,” he said.

“And it will need cleaning again, once you’ve had another bath,” I replied.

“Do I really need a bath?” he asked.

“You’ve slept in that room,” I said pointing to his bedroom. A gentle breeze was wafting a plume of thick gasses away from his room. You could follow it’s progress down the road towards the city. You could also see birds changing their flight plan to avoid flying through it and the occasional one descending rather rapidly from the plume when it headed in their direction. Also all the open windows that it wafted past were rather rapidly closed.

“And I’ll sleep in it again tonight,” he said.

“That room needs a thorough clean, even now it smells like something went in there and died,” I replied.

“We could talk about it over breakfast,” he said.

“That’s another thing,” I said. “There doesn’t seem to be any food in the flat.”

“Couldn’t you magic something up?” he asked. “I mean you are my Fairy Godmother.”

“I’ll just make a phone call,” I said, walking back to the kitchen. I had spent the night cleaning it, for want of something better to do. I had hoped to come up with some ideas on how to drag this idiot into some sort of order, but ended up with nothing but a clean kitchen. The fridge and freezer gleamed, they were also totally empty.

“Hello,” I said to the Head Fairy.

“Have you got him out of bed yet?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “And the room is being aired.”

“So, what is the problem?” Enid asked.

“There is no food in the flat and he has no money to pay for any,” I said. “If I had my magic wand this would not be a problem.”

“You want me to wave my wand and produce breakfast for you and that lout?” she replied.

“Just till I’ve got him a bit more,” I looked at him, he had followed me into the kitchen.

“You’ve done a good job,” he said running his hand over the work surface. “I didn’t think it could be so clean and smooth.”

“Perhaps we could sort a job for him, or something,” I stuttered.

“There is no we in this, the Head of the Fairy Council gave this job to you, if you want any help, you’ll have to talk to her,” the Head Fairy replied and hung up on me.

I rang the Head of the Fairy Council next.

“If you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself,” the Head of the Fairy Council shouted down the phone at me.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Pathetic bunch here,” she replied. “They are all frightened of spiders.”

“The ones up in that roof there are rather large,” I said. “They have an eight foot span.”

“Do you have any suggestions?” she asked.

“This human could do with food,” I said. “So could I for that matter, if you could put a spell on one of the cupboards and maybe the fridge, I can tell you the best way to get rid of the spiders.”

“Are you trying to make a deal with me?” the Head of the Fairy council asked.

“I suppose so,” I said.

“OK, one cupboard and the fridge, nothing else and only healthy foods,” she replied. “So how do I tackle the spiders?”

“It’s all a question of scale,” I said. “Normally spiders are much smaller than people. In this case they are larger, you need to redress the situation so that you are larger than the spider.”

“You mean I should grow?” she asked.

“Or the spiders should shrink,” I said. “They would fit in better with everyone that way.”

“I don’t know why they’ve got so big,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“Could be the accumulation of rather a lot of wand magic in the place,” I said. “Perhaps you need to lay off with the magic wand a bit.”

“Are you saying this because I confiscated your wand,” snapped the Head of the Fairy Council.

“No, though I wouldn’t have been bothering you about food if I had my wand,” I said.

“You have your food,” the Head of the Fairy Council replied icily, hanging up on me.

“Did you sort out breakfast with whoever you were talking to?” he asked.

“I was talking to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I replied, starting to look through the cupboards. “She has promised you food,” I added finally finding a cupboard full of food.

“You did tell her I wasn’t a hamster?” he asked, looking through the contents of the cupboard.

“She promised you healthy food,” I added. “And a cupboard and fridge that wouldn’t run out of it, for a while at least.”

“Healthy food!” he said, looking into the fridge. “Couldn’t you tell her how healthy pizza?”

“It took all my best negotiating skills to get you food,” I replied. “If you don’t like the choice I suggest you find a way of supplying your own.”

“You sound like one of my ex’s,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She went on a health food kick, I complained and she said that I could go to the shops just as well as she could,” he said.

“And did you?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “But I complained a lot.”

“And she left?” I replied.

“Yes,” he said. “Are you going to leave?”

“No,” I said. “The Head of the Fairy Council wont agree to that. So get used to the food we have or find a way of getting your own.”

“Muesli can be quite nice,” he said, getting a bowl out of the dishwasher. “And hazelnut milk could be interesting.”

“Then I shall try it,” I said.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 15

“You need to clean yourself up,” I told him.

“Not suggesting I put some clean clothes on?” he smiled.

“They wont be clean for long if you wear them,” I replied. “You need to clean yourself first.”

“You want to see the bathroom first?” he asked.

“By the smell coming from that direction, it wont be a pretty sight,” I replied following my nose to it. “So you are going to have to start by cleaning this,” I replied, taking a step back.

“But how?” he howled.

“First you could try flushing the toilet,” I said looking at the brown liquid in the bottom of the bowel.

“Someone said you don’t have to flush liquid,” he said.

“I’d make an exception for that,” I said pointing at the toilet handle. He did as he was told, but it didn’t alter the fact that the bowel was filthy. “Now, you need to put some bleach round the bowel and leave it to do something.”

“How long do I leave it like that?” he asked.

“I’ll let you know,” I replied. Basically, I didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“So what do I do next?” he asked.

“Everything that isn’t a fixture or fitting needs to be removed,” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“Clear the bathroom,” I said. “Most of the stuff in there is either rubbish or ruined, once that is out of there, you can clean the bathroom.”

“But,” he started and then saw where the laser cannon was pointing.

“Is this going to be your answer to everything?” he asked.

“It works, I would have thought the idea of getting the love of your life back would have been motivation enough, but,” I replied.

“OK, the bathroom will shine,” he said getting to work on it.

“Good, I’ll check your progress in an hour,” I said returning to the kitchen and the washing machine.

He didn’t notice me checking his progress in an hour, he was too busy cleaning the bathroom cabinet, I hadn’t noticed that it was white and had a mirror on the front of it. After two hours, he returned to the kitchen.

“So that’s where you are,” he said.

“And have you cleaned the bathroom?” I asked.

“Would you like to inspect it?” he asked. “Or will you take my word that a cleaner bathroom doesn’t exist.”

“I’ll see it,” I said walking past him to the bathroom. To be fair on him, it looked like a different room. “I’ve seen better,” I replied. “But it’ll do. You need a bath, even more than you did before you started cleaning. The purpose of cleaning is not to transfer the muck to yourself. I shall get you some clean towels and clothes.”

“I can get them myself,” he said.

“If you touch them before you have a bath, they wont be clean, you’ll mess them up,” I replied.

“Wont that be the same for the bath?” he asked.

“Well, you can put your newly honed cleaning prowess to use and clean the bath again afterwards,” I replied, heading to the pile of fresh laundry.

“And what have you been doing, whilst I was busy?” he asked.

“Fixing your washing machine and dishwasher,” I replied, pointing to them.

“I didn’t know Fairies fixed machines,” he said.

“Here’s something to put your mucky clothes in,” I said handing him a bin. “We don’t want you getting the floor mucky with them.”

“Is that a hint?” he asked as I returned with the clean towels and clothes and placed them on a small cabinet in the bathroom.

“You know what to do,” I replied, pointing towards the bathroom with my laser cannon.

“You don’t take no for an answer,” he said going into the bathroom and closing the door.

“Don’t forget to wash your hair,” I shouted.

For a brief moment I thought we had an intruder in the place when he returned from his bath, but then I recognised the clothes I’d handed to him.

“Put the damp towels in the washing machine,” I said pointing towards it.

“If that isn’t running, what is?” he asked.

“The dishwasher,” I replied. “Don’t you recognise the sound.”

“I got banned from using it,” he said.

“By whom?” I asked.

“Lisa,” he said. “Or was it Carol?”

“If you can’t keep a track of your girlfriends,” I replied. “What did you do to get banned?”

“She didn’t like the way I loaded it, seems you don’t just put a pile of plates in, in a pile, you have to stand them up. Also, you never put silver cutlery in it, don’t know what it does, but it isn’t good, nearly as bad as leaving it in something that you put in the micro-wave. And you definitely do not use washing-up liquid.”

“You are an imbecile,” I replied. “You could do with reading the instruction manual.”

“Bit difficult that,” he said. “I think it got chucked out with the packing.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I didn’t think I needed it, I mean, how hard can it be to use a dishwasher?” he smiled.

“I am surprised you still need to ask that one, because you were obviously incapable of using this,” I said as the machine clicked though it’s program. “Were you that stupid with the washing machine?”

“I thought washing her woolies would please her, it would be a nice surprise when she came home from work,” he sighed.

“They shrank?” I guessed.

“I suggested stretching them, but it didn’t work,” he sighed.

“What temperature did you wash them at?” I asked.

“90 degrees, well it did wonders for the tea towels,” he said.

“That would be enough to totally destroy them,” I said.

“It was funny, some of them seemed to be stuck together,” he laughed.

“I don’t suppose she saw it that way,” I said.

“No, she packed the rest of her clothes and moved out, I think she went to a hotel before she sorted out more permanent accommodation,” he said sounding perplexed.

“It sounds to me like all these people move out when you fall down on the domestic side of things,” I said.

“You mean when I stuff up on something house based?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “Would you like to sort that?”

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I mean I don’t want them to think I’m better than them on the housework front.”

“But you don’t want them to think you see them as a cheap way of getting your home tidy, cooking and laundry done whilst you sit around doing nothing,” I reminded him.

“I suppose not,” he said. “Though it is nice to watch people work.”

“Then get yourself a job and you can spend all day watching them work,” I snapped.

“But I’m an artist,” he said. “I can’t be going out to work, I have to be ready for the muse when it comes.”

“When did the muse last come?” I asked, I know a few muses, they can be a bit temperamental. “Can I see some of your previous work.”

“I don’t have any with me, at the moment,” he blustered.

“Tell the truth,” I said.

“OK,” he said, dumping himself down on the floor. “The last lot were crap, so I left them at the art college when they chucked me out for non attendance.”

“And you haven’t done anything since?” I asked.

“I’ve not got anything to paint with,” he said. “And I can’t think of what to paint.”

“This flat could do with a few coats of emulsion for a start off,” I said looking round.

“That isn’t funny,” he snapped.

“Neither is the colour of this room,” said. “Whatever made you think peppermint green was a good colour for a kitchen? Also, I don’t know what colour you’d call the bathroom, but it isn’t good.”

“That isn’t going to bring out my artistic side though is it?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Get a paint brush in your hands and you might surprise yourself or are you chicken?”

“Is this a dare?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “This place needs a complete overhaul.”

“And you think that will get my girlfriend back?” he asked.

“I don’t know, but at least she wont feel like running a mile when she sees inside the front door,” I replied. “So, will you give it a go?”

“OK,” he said. “But not now.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s two in the morning and I need some sleep,” he said.

“When did you last change your bed?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” he said.

“Fresh bed linen,” I replied.

“I can’t remember,” he said. “Does it matter?”

“We’ve just got you clean,” I said. “I don’t think it would be a good idea you sleeping in mucky bed linen.”

“I’ll have a bath first thing,” he said. “It’ll be OK.”

“OK,” I muttered as he headed off to bed and my phone rang.

“You’ve made some progress,” said the Head of the Fairy Council.

“It would be easier with my wand back,” I said hopefully.

“Tough,” she said and hung up.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 14

“You haven’t got dressed,” I said.

“Small problem there,” he sighed.

“Nothing clean to wear?” I asked and he nodded. “Then we’d better get this washing machine kicked into action,” I replied, pointing hopefully at the machine, it did look very much the worse for wear.

“It doesn’t work,” he sighed. “Hasn’t done for at least six weeks.”

“A bit like a lot of things round here,” I muttered. “What happened when it packed in?”

“It seemed to go hipper, went through a full wash program in less than five minutes,” he replied.

“And I take it, the clothes didn’t come out clean?” I asked.

“They came out slightly damp with washing powder clumps on them,” he replied.

“And what did you do with them?” I asked.

“I put them in the bath,” he said.

“And then what?” I asked.

“I left them there,” he said.

“That explains a lot,” I sighed. “We need to get some washing done, is their a laundrette near here?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It isn’t as if I can go there anyway,” he added holding his hands up and twirling round. I had to admit, the boxer shorts were not in their first flush of existence, there were holes which the rather short tea shirt didn’t cover and being as it was December, it probably wouldn’t hold back the weather.

“We’ll put together a wash load and I’ll get it cleaned,” I replied, pulling out my mobile phone and clicking through the contacts list.

“Launderette” was first on the list, so I pressed the button to ring them.

“Hello, this is the Fairy Launderette what can we do for you,” came the reply.

“Hello,” I said. “I have some washing which I hope you can do for me.”

“The Head of the Fairy Council said you might be ringing and she said we could do one wash load,” she said.

“How do I get it to you?” I asked.

“You don’t have to, we’ve got it,” she said. “It’ll be back with you in ten minutes.”

“Thank-you,” I replied, but she had already hung up.

“The stuff in the bath has gone!” he said, returning from the bathroom. “I went to get it and it vanished.”

“The Fairy Launderette,” I explained. “They’ve agreed to take a wash load. It’ll be done in ten minutes.”

“Couldn’t they do all of it?” he asked.

“No,” I replied. “This is an emergency and they are only doing the one wash load and you’re lucky to get that.”

“I suppose I am,” he sighed. “Don’t suppose they could sort out the washing machine?” he asked hopefully.

“Do you know how to use one?” I asked, looking at the amount of powder that seemed to coat every part of it.

“You pour in a packet of washing powder and then press the go button?” he said looking hopeful.

“And have you tied that?” I asked, it might explain the mess the machine was in.

“Like I said, it went through the program in five minutes and everything came out coated in powder,” he sighed.

“And this was the first time you tried?” I asked.

“My girlfriend usually does the washing,” he mumbled.

“Is this why she left?” I asked.

“I didn’t say she’d left,” he snapped back defensively.

“You didn’t have to,” I replied. “I don’t think this place would be in quiet this mess, if she hadn’t left.”

“She knew about cleaning, she was good at it,” he said.

“She got fed up of being an unpaid washer woman,” I said.

“But,” he stuttered. “I loved her.”

“What precipitated her departure?” I asked.

“Pardon?” he looked confused.

“What happened that made her decide to leave?” I tried.

“She was going to work and asked me to take the rubbish out before she got back,” he said after racking his brain for a couple of minutes. I could tell when the thought finally arrived, it was almost like a light bulb went on inside his head.

“And you didn’t?” I asked.

“It’s a long way to the bin’s, you’ve seen what they’re like,” he said. “I thought she could do it on her way to work.”

“And risk getting her work clothes muck struck, you must be joking,” I said. He looked confused. “What did she say when she got back home?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Just picked up her bag and walked out.”

“And what did you do?” I asked, dreading to hear him.

“I asked her if she’d take the rubbish out whilst she was going downstairs,” he said with a smile.

“Did she?” I asked, ‘cause she’d be the dumbest person I know if she did.

“No,” he said. “So I dropped it out of the window for her to shift round to the bin.”

“I hope it didn’t land on her,” I replied.

“Of course not,” he said. “Missed her by a foot.”

“I hope you didn’t think that was funny,” I said.

“I was just saving her the effort of carrying it downstairs,” he said. “She’ll be back again when she realises what she’s missing.”

“And that was six weeks ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “She should be back any day now.”

“I think she’s found an alternative,” I replied. “If she was coming back, she’d be here by now.”

“But I love her,” he said looking confused.

“You chucked the rubbish out of a 15^th floor flat and it missed her by inches, what part of that says “I love you”?” I asked.

“I missed,” he said looking hopeful.

That was when the laundry came back and I left him looking through it whilst I rang the Fairy Council.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hello, thanks to you we are busy clearing cob webs,” I was told.

“Are you sure this human is worth the effort?” I asked.

“I’ll hand you to the Head of the Fairy Council,” I was told.

“Hello,” said a familiar voice. “Just fly up with a feather duster and get on with it,” she snapped at someone else. “I don’t care how big the spiders look.”

“Hello,” I said. “I’ve gone to the flat and the human there is a total mess.”

“I said he was,” the Head of the Fairy Council snapped back. “He wouldn’t need our help if he wasn’t.”

“Is he really worth the effort of sorting out?” I asked.

“You’re only in a bad mood because of the tomato ketchup,” he interrupted.

“I and your ex-girlfriend think that you are beyond redemption and that you should be left to stew in your own muck,” I told him.

“I’m not that bad,” he said. “She was just having a bad day, well, bad week, month, whatever,” he smiled.

“And did you offer her any sympathy?” I asked.

“I said there would be other jobs,” he replied looking hopeful. “And I was right, she got one the next day, at least she was out all day which amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?”

“You know the Fairy motto,” said the Head of the Fairy Council. “There is no such thing as a lost cause.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“So, get on with it,” she said. “And you, you’ve missed an enormous cob web in the corner there and stop sneezing you’ll only catapult yourself backwards.” There was a distant sneeze and then a muffled crash as someone flew backwards and hit something hard. Then the phone went dead.

“So what was the verdict?” he asked hopefully.

“I have to continue,” I replied through gritted teeth.

“Are you sure we can’t send more washing to the launderette?” he asked. “The stuff came back way better than it was before, it’s supper clean and I can’t find the holes that I know where in it.”

“I’m sure, when they say one wash load, that is what they mean,” I replied. “But they do do a good job, it’s a standard you need to aim for, especially if you want to win your girlfriend back.”

“She’s just playing hard to get,” he said.

“Do you have any idea where she went to when she walked out on you?” I asked.

“There was some sleaze bag at work, he was always telling her how wonderful she is and how she was too good for me,” he said.

“You think she’s gone to him?” I asked.

“No, he told her his sister had a spare room, she’s probably gone there,” he replied.

“You need to think of this from her point of view,” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If you were her, would you come back to this and you!” I replied.

He looked around the room, there was stuff on every surface, some of which could be identified, some of which was slowly following the stuff that had already fallen to the floor. Then he caught sight of his reflection in a mirror, the filthy clothes, hanging in rags, hair that hadn’t been combed or washed in ages, stubble that was trying to arrange itself into a beard and moustache that looked like a hairy caterpillar had taken up residence on his upper lip with the intention of becoming a food strainer, there were bits of food there to testify as to how good it was at the job.

“You aren’t seeing any of this at it’s best, me included,” he sighed.

“This is how she’ll see it if she does come back,” I replied and if she has any self respect she’ll turn round and walk away.

“You think I need to clean up a bit?” he asked.

“More than just a bit,” I replied.

“And that will bring her back?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “But she wont come back to this,” I added as something slid off the draining board and landed on a pile beneath it.

“But where do I start?” he asked. “I could spend a month working on this and it wouldn’t be any better.”

“If that is so, then you are doing it wrong,” I replied, but I was beginning to wonder that myself.

by Janice Nye © 2019