The Fairy Godmother Part 3

The rain started falling on the roof of the bus shelter as I read the instructions for my next job as a Fairy Godmother. The instruction

Get this right

was written large in several places.

“I shall be watching,” said the Head Fairy. I jumped, she was sitting next to me, not that there were any seats in the bus shelter, but a Fairy doesn’t let something like that get in the way.

“How long have you been there?” I asked.

“Long enough,” she smiled.

“Are you just here to observe or can I ask your advice?” I asked.

“You can ask my advice,” she said, after a moments thought. “It will probably be easier that way than having to sort out a mess once it’s made.”

“I might not make a mess,” I said.

“And you may not need my advice,” she smiled. “Now, what have you noticed about the assignment?”

“Apart from 

 

Get this right”

“I’m glad you noticed it, there were a lot in the committee that didn’t think you would,” replied. “What else did you see?”

“You’ve placed me here and there isn’t an address on this,” I said, holding up the paper.

“Why do you think that is?” she asked.

“Something is going to happen here?” I asked.

“Shall we wait and see,” said the Head Fairy making herself comfortable. It didn’t look like I had much choice with that one, so I joined her near the roof of the bus shelter, out of the wind and rain.

Half an hour later a shadow of a man walked up to the bus shelter.

“There is something not quite right about him,” I whispered to the Head Fairy.

“You can say that again,” she replied. “He is under strict curfew, he shouldn’t be out at this time of the day.”

“What on earth does he hope to gain hanging around here?” I asked. “The last bus left over an hour ago.”

“True,” she said, as someone else walked into the bus shelter.

“Do you have it?” they asked of the first man.

“Here,” he said, handing over something that looked a bit like a mirror. “And much good may it do you.”

“It isn’t for me,” said the second person. “It is for my lady, she has questions to ask of it.”

“I don’t want to know what you want with it,” said the first man. “You have told me more than enough already. Just give me what I asked of you and I’ll darken your door no more.”

“Do I have your word that you will say nothing of this?” the second man asked.

“Of course,” he said. “Now give me that which is mine.”

“I don’t know if I should,” said the second man. “There may be more that I would have from you.”

“You would go back on your word!” the first man shouted.

“I am not a man of my word, you are a fool to think otherwise,” said the second man. “I will be in touch with you.”

“You are evil,” said the first man as the second walked away with the mirror.

“And your opinion?” asked the Head Fairy.

“Is that a talking mirror?” I asked.

“It is,” said the Head Fairy.

“So the man who has it is up to no good,” I said. “And the lady he is taking it to is up to even less good.”

“So what do you think you should do?” asked the Head Fairy.

“I don’t know,” I replied frowning. “It has echoes of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

“So?” asked the Head Fairy.

“Do we find out where the mirror is going to or follow the man who got it?” I asked.

“Time to think it through,” said the Head Fairy.

“I thought you were supposed to advise me,” I snapped.

“I am here to observe you and stop you before you do anything wrong,” replied the Head Fairy. “If I tell you what to do all the time you will never learn and if you take that tone with me again you’ll find yourself on Christmas Tree duty.” I went pale at that thought.

“How do those mirrors work?” I asked. “I mean is there someone trapped in the mirror or what?”

“Got to say that is not a question that anyone has ever asked before,” the Head Fairy replied.

“Then perhaps following the man who got the mirror might lead us to where they come from and answer the question of how they are made,” I replied.

“And why do you think that is a better plan of action than following the man with the mirror to see who he gives it to?” asked the Head Fairy.

“One, we know he is giving it to a lady, two, the person who had the mirror in Snow White had it before she became a wicked step-mother, she probably used it to entrap Snow White’s Father and so we have plenty of time before anything happens in that story,” I replied.

“Plenty of time?”

“If she had met and married the King, she would be a Queen, he called her my Lady. Takes time to organise a wedding and time to see Snow White as a rival,”

“OK, any other reasons?” asked the Head Fairy.

“Him with the mirror has disappeared off and the other man is still there, hitting his head on the bus shelter,” I replied.

“I know how he feels,” muttered the Head Fairy. “So what do you plan to do?”

“Stop him from hitting his head for a start off,” I smiled.

“And how do you propose to do that?” asked the Head Fairy.

“I shall introduce myself as his Fairy Godmother, if that doesn’t stop him in his tracks nothing short of a gun to his head will,” I replied.

“Go ahead,” smiled the Head Fairy. “I should like to see you in action, but I reserve the right to intervene at any point.”

“Good evening to you kind Sir,” I said hovering near to the head of the said Gentleman, I had decided that a height of six inches was probably the optimum size for this introduction.

“What the hell,” he muttered. “I’ve got to give up the booze,” he added pulling a bottle out of his pocket and aiming it at the nearest bin.

“I think the recycling bin would be a far better choice,” I said. “We must all do our bit to save the world.”

“What the hell are you?” he asked looking directly at me.

“I am your Fairy Godmother,” I said, expanding slowly out to my usual height of five foot and a bit, I’m not that accurate with the height.

“Why don’t you bugger off and save the planet instead of bothering with me then,” he snapped.

“Man got the planet into this mess, they shouldn’t expect us to wave our wands and get them out of the shit,” I replied.

“Are you saying you couldn’t do it?” he asked.

“I’m saying that if we just waved our wands and sorted it then humans wont change their ways, and they would carry on making a mess and it would only put things off,” I replied.

“I see,” he said. “So what makes you think I need a Fairy Godmother?”

“You don’t find many people standing in bus shelters in the early hours of the morning hitting their heads against the structure,” I said. “It usually indicates a person who needs help from their Fairy Godmother and that is me.”

“Well, you’re not what I pictured as a Fairy Godmother, I don’t think the normal approaches are going to help me, so you may as well try,” he sighed.

“Should we go somewhere a little less open so you can tell me how you got to this state,” I suggested.

“That could take a bit of explaining,” he sighed. “My home is just round the corner, at least it is my home at the moment, the bank is due to repossess it tomorrow.”

“I think that is something I can sort out,” I smiled, looking at the Head Fairy, she nodded.

“It’s done,” she smiled.

“Lead on,” I said as his phone started making noises. He picked it out of his pocket.

“According to this, my mortgage has been paid off and my home is no longer going to be repossessed!” he said. “I hope this isn’t a joke.”

“The Head Fairy doesn’t do jokes,” I said. “But what she’s done she can always undo, so we had better get on with sorting things out.”

“OK,” he said. “Then you’d better come this way, there is a long story to tell, I just hope you can see a way to put things right.”

by Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 2

“Mixed,” said the head of the Fairy Council. “That’s one way of describing your work so far.” She was obviously not amused. Neither was I, one moment I was making a quick exit from some psychiatrists office because an angry three legged creature, which used to be something else, but I’m not quite sure what, was approaching as quickly as he could manage. Next, I’m standing in the office of the head of the Fairy Council being treated like some naughty school girl.

I tried smiling, couldn’t think of what to say, “How did I get here,” didn’t sound appropriate even to me.

“Have you nothing to say for yourself?” she snapped.

“I’m really not that sure what to say,” I said. “I’m doing my best.”

“What were you doing in that office?” she asked.

“I’m not really sure about that either,” I confessed. “I was busy collecting a few animals for the coach and horses.”

“Coach and horses?” she asked. “This would be your latest assignment?”

“Yes,” I agreed.

“I think you’d better start at the beginning,” she sighed, sitting down and pointing to a chair for me to sit upon. “You were sent to help Cindy Smith.”

“When I got there Cindy was standing in the middle of the kitchen,” I explained. “She was a mess, clothes all torn, looked like she’d tried to hold them together with safety pins, but it wasn’t working. Her make-up and hair were all over the place. The room was a mess, piles of mucky dishes on every surface and the mice had left because there was no food to be had. Which is why I was looking round for footmen, well mice to be turned into footmen.”

“Cindy isn’t that domesticated,” the Head Fairy agreed.

“There was an invite to some do on the peg board with her name and today’s date, so I assumed it was a Cinders revisited,” I started.

“You should never make assumptions,” the Head Fairy said.

“It was an easy mistake to make,” I tried to explain, but she was not amused.

“What did Cindy say?” the Head Fairy asked.

“She needed to get tea ready for her step Mother and her two daughters,” I replied.

“Did you sort it?” I was asked.

“I provided them with free tickets to an eat all you like do somewhere they’ve been wanting to go to for ages, when Cindy handed them over, they were out of the house quicker than it takes to say that,”

“That’s good,” the Head Fairy had to agree. “Did you stop there?”

“Well no, of course not, there was the invite on the peg board and no way was she ready for that,” I said.

“So what did you do?” the Head Fairy sighed. I got the feeling she wasn’t going to be happy with my reply, but.

“Well, I started by cleaning the kitchen, it’s hard to organise a good ball gown when you are in danger of getting food stains on it if she has a quick twirl,” I paused. “It was a bigger job than even I envisaged. I tried getting the standard washing things to start on the dishes themselves, as soon as the green scratchy thing and the tea towel came to life, they took one look at the assembled dishes and legged it out of the back door.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t leave years ago,” the Head Fairy admitted.

“The dishwasher, once I uncovered it, refused to open it’s door,” I sighed.

“Can you blame it?” she asked.

“So I tried a cleaning spell,” I assured her.

“About time,” the Head Fairy smiled.

“It took the pattern off the plates, but at least they were clean,” I said. “Then the cupboards needed cleaning before we could put them away.”

“That wouldn’t be that hard,” she said. “Would it?”

“There was already some stuff in the cupboards, well stuck to them,” I admitted. “Time was moving on by the time the kitchen looked acceptable.”

“I think clean is a bit optimistic, with that kitchen,” the Head Fairy agreed.

“Then there was the dress to sort, make-up, hair and transport,” I explained. “I transformed a stack of papers waiting for recycling into a ball gown, did her hair up in a bee hive and put the faintest hint of blusher and eyeshadow on.” I created an image fit for a film.

“Good, very good,” said the Head Fairy.

“I thought so, but Cindy didn’t,” I sighed. The Head Fairy raised an eye brow. “Not that sort of do.”

“Shouldn’t you have found that out fist?” the Head Fairy suggested.

“There was a lot to do,” I explained. “There wasn’t time for a lot of talking.”

“I told her she’d be fine and went to collect the things for her transport,” I explained. “I was busy recruiting cats and mice when I saw the perfect pumpkin just inside a supermarket, they weren’t too keen when I tried to organise the cats and mice to pick it up, so I could take it back to Cindy. I think that is when the pest control van arrived and the psychiatrist.”

“Were you certified?” she asked.

“Don’t think they’d got round to that, he was just asking questions when the three legged creature started coming up the stairs to the office,” I smiled.

“The three legged creature, you should at least know what it is you’ve turned someone into,” she said. “And I really don’t think Ian deserved it.”

“May-be not, but he was being a pest,” I said.

“That’s as may-be,” she said. “But you need to turn him back into what he was.”

“Human,” I said.

“I’ll take your word for that,” she sighed.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“You need to finish what you’ve started,” the Head Fairy replied.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Cindy!” she said. “You have left her without transport and in a totally unsuitable dress.”

“You said it was a nice gown,” I reminded her.

“Not for a punk do,” she said.

“So the coach and horses wouldn’t do either?” I asked.

“I’d better go with you to sort this out,” she said. “You have to move with the times.”

Cindy wasn’t looking too happy when we got back. The dress wasn’t looking too good either, she’d done a good job of dirtying it down and got the kitchen in a bit of a mess in the process.

“What kind of shit God Mother are you?” she shouted at me as soon as I walked in the door with the Head Fairy.

“I will not have that sort of language,” said the Head Fairy.

That’s when I was expecting a diatribe.

“There was only one vaguely rude word in that, I’ve heard worse at the local nursery,” the Head Fairy told her.

“Well,” she muttered, pointing to her dress, the tears welling up in her eyes. “I was just about ready to go and she turns up and.”

“Your clothes were ripped and filthy and you were looking round the kitchen like you didn’t know what the hell to do for best,” I reminded her.

“My boyfriend was about to come, on his motor bike and I planned on leaving this dump for good,” Cindy replied. “All I wanted was someone to get that bitch and her spawn out of the place whilst I made my get away.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, they’re still out.”

“Much good that’s going to do me, my boyfriend took one look at me and the kitchen and left saying he’d come to the wrong house,” said Cindy, slumping down on the nearest chair, she’d managed to spill cooking oil on it and so went sliding off onto the floor.

I was beginning to think things couldn’t get any worse when the step-mother and her two daughters came back.

“I think this is where I put things on hold,” said the Head Fairy. “Now do you see where you went wrong?” she asked me.

“I should have listened to Cindy,” I said.

“By the was she prefers to be called Cin,” the Head Fairy said.

“What should I do?” I asked.

“I shall turn that rusty old bike into a sleek black motorbike, then turn that randy ginger mog into Cindy’s view of Prince Charming, return her clothes to what they were and leave them to head to the do,” the Head Fairy replied whisking her wand around the room.

The back door flew open and the cat/man stood there all in leather, Cindy left without a word and climbed onto the back of his motorbike.

The Head Fairy waved her wand again, the kitchen was spotless as the step-mother and her daughters walked in.

“Are you sure we’ve come to the right house?” asked the eldest of the sisters.

“Key fitted in the lock and the rest of the house looks right,” said the other sister.

“The lazy cow’s done what she’s been told to do for once,” said their Mother.

“Where is she?” asked the eldest sister.

“Who cares?” said their Mother. “I’m off to bed.”

“Time to go,” said the Head Fairy.

“I thought I’d get into trouble for changing the endings,” I said looking confused as we came back to the Head Fairy’s office.

“Cindy is happy, she’s off to the do, where she will meet someone who wont turn into a cat when the clock strikes twelve,” said the Head Fairy. “Her step-mother and her daughters will carry on as before till the money runs out or they run out of clean crockery.”

“And?” I asked. “It feels like there should be an and there.”

“And the three legged creature will wake up in the morning as Ian, but with one hell of a hangover and will assume that all the things he remembers are just the result of too much alcohol and maybe he wont want to kill you, slowly,” the Head Fairy replied.

“What happens now?” I asked.

“We give you another job and hope you don’t mess that up,” sighed the Head Fairy handing me an envelope. The room disappeared and I found myself sitting in a bus stop.

“Better see what’s in this,” I muttered opening the envelope.

By Janice Nye © 2019

The Fairy Godmother Part 1

“And you are a Fairy Godmother?” I was asked for what felt like the millionth time. I would have thought the wings were a bit of a give away, but this particular human seemed to be a bit on the dense side.

“Yes,” I smiled. Well, I tried to smile, but it had been a long day, at least forty-eight hours if my internal clock was right.

“Have you always been a Fairy Godmother?” he asked, ushering me past the door that said he was a psychiatrist and towards a couch. I sat cautiously on the edge.

“Please relax, lie back if it helps,” he smiled and I thought of crocodiles and their teeth.

“No one starts off as a Fairy Godmother,” I explained. He was obviously simple.

“How did you start?” he asked.

I decided to skip the biology class, if he didn’t know that sort of thing by now, it was probably best that he stay ignorant about it.

“Well, first I was a cherub,” I explained.

“A cherub,” he wrote in his note book. Somehow it was reassuring that he was putting it all down on paper, easier to destroy the evidence later on.

“And what exactly did you do, as a cherub?” he asked.

“The idea was to flutter round cribs looking angelic,” I explained. He stifled a laugh. “I wasn’t too good as a cherub. Hard to look angelic with black spiky hair.”

“I did wonder,” he smiled.

“I tried a wig of the standard blond curly variety, battered and pinned my hair down so that I could put the wig on. Five minutes later the hair had escaped and the wig was sitting at the end of the spikes like some sort of hat or a frightened guinea pig,” I explained. He couldn’t stop himself laughing this time. Had problems not to laugh myself. “Had problems getting all the copies of the photo’s off the internet. The good fairy helped with that.”

“It got on the internet!” he said.

“Fortunately most people were more interested in the photos of the bad fairy,” I replied.

“Bad fairy!” he parroted.

“She’d got herself worked up, convinced they’d slighted her, rather than just had a bit of a cock-up with the invites. No one knew the Queen was expecting, not even the Queen, right up to the moment when she went into labour, so they were bound to miss a few people out, most of them had the sense to turn up anyway, they weren’t exactly turning old friends away,” I explained.

“So the bad fairy made a fuss?” he asked.

“A fuss! She put a curse on the poor little thing,” I explained. “Something to do with pricking her finger on a spinning wheel and dying. I’m not quite sure how it works but the good fairy turned dying into sleeping for a hundred years and the court asked to sleep with her. I’m not sure how they were organising it, but the good fairy hurried the cherubs out of the place and then cleared up the photos from the internet.”

“I’ve never seen any photos like that,” he said.

“She did a good job,” I said.

“What happened after that?” he asked.

“I took a sideways move into being a tooth fairy,” I replied.

“I don’t suppose the black hair isn’t such a problem as a tooth fairy,” he mused.

“Well, no, if anything it helps you blend into the background,” I agreed.

“So how did it go?” he asked.

“Not too good,” I admitted. “Life as a tooth fairy isn’t as simple as some people think. Most kids are good and go to sleep so you don’t have to hide in the shadows waiting, but I seemed to get the awkward ones. I’d get a list of at least twenty teeth to collect each night, but if you get one who wont go to sleep till the early hours it puts the schedule all to pot.”

“And that causes problems?” he asked. I was beginning to wonder where he was when they handed the brains out, not where the brains were being handed out that was obvious.

“The longer you hide somewhere, the more likely you are to be caught,” I tried to explain. He looked blank. “And of course, if you are delayed at the first house, there is a knock on effect on all the others and you have to get all the teeth collected and the money left before sun up. It’s not so hard in the winter, but as the days get longer, there’s less time to fit all the kiddies in. I think the thing that put the tin lid on that job was when I got cornered by a cat one night, had to nip into a hamster cage to hide. Very talkative things hamsters, the sun was rising by the time I got away and that was nineteen uncollected teeth. So I took another sideways move into being a fairy godmother.”

“How’s that going?” he asked.

“Not so good, truth told,” I sighed.

“What went wrong?” he asked.

“To start off with, there was Fairy Godmother college,” I said.

“You have to go to college?” he asked.

“It’s a responsible job,” I explained. “You have to get it right, peoples futures depend on you.”

“So how did you do at the college?” he asked.

“The fairy in charge didn’t like me,” I said. “She had it in for me from the moment I landed on the roof. Well tried to land on the roof, missed my footing slightly, the tiles were wet, it had been raining.”

“And?” he smiled.

“I fell down the chimney and landed in the main hall in a cloud of soot. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but they were showing some big wigs around the place, I drooped in when they were standing around the fireplace, I don’t think their clothes were helped with a fairly heavy layer of soot or their complexions. Their tempers definitely could have done with something after that,” I explained.

“I can see that that wouldn’t make a good impression,” he said, once he had stopped laughing.

“Things went from bad to worse there, I thought I was going to fail totally, but I scrapped a pass. I don’t think she want me to come back,” I sighed.

“Would you have liked to go back there?” he asked.

“Only if I could burn the dump down and sack the old biddy,” I replied. “The way they taught, it’s amazing that anyone came out of that place sane.”

I think he bit his tongue at that point, there was a very odd expression on his face.

“Have you done much work as a fairy godmother?” he asked.

“I’ve had a few jobs,” I replied.

“And how did they go?” he asked.

“Mixed,” I admitted. “I mean I thought I’d done OK, but they didn’t like my methods and I didn’t produce the results that they wanted.”

“So everyone didn’t end up happy ever after?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t say that,” I replied defensively. “It’s just they were happy with the wrong people that’s all.”

“I think this calls for a bit more detail,” he said sucking the end of his pen.

“This calls for a speedy exit,” I thought as I heard some rather odd footsteps on the stairs. The creature had three legs and was finding the co-ordination a bit difficult as they hadn’t been like that for long. Listening to it swearing as it fell down the stairs for the fourth time, I got the impression he wasn’t going to be prepared to listen to my explanation.

The end came of the psychiatrists pen came off in his mouth and the biro ink was very biter. Coughing and cursing he dashed to the sink. With a click of my fingers I flung open the window, spread my wings and flew out.

“Perhaps she is a Fairy Godmother,” he muttered. “Or perhaps I should speak to one of my colleagues.”

At that moment the door was flung open by the three legged creature who had finally got to the top of the stairs.

“Where is she?” he croaked. The psychiatrist pointed to the window, dilute blue ink dribbling down his chin and staining the front of his shirt.

“OK,” he sighed. “But if you see her around, tell her I’m not amused.” With that he turned around and fell down the stairs, bouncing and cursing with each step.

By Janice Nye © 2019

Brickcroft Nature Reserve October 2019