Dead People don't make coffee

Dead People Don't Make Coffee by Janice Nye is available from Amazon, the link is https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/144678973X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Dead+people+don%27t+make+coffee+by+Janice+Nye&qid=1692187621&sr=8-1

Dead People Don't Make Coffee

 I have the proof copy of "Dead People Don't Make Coffee"

 The "Dead People don't make coffee" posts have been taken down because it is currently being edited and prepared for publication.   This will then be available, along with my other books "The Poly and Anna",  "Alone again Anna" and "User Hostile" which are all available on Amazon and Lulu in both printed and kindle versions.

So, what's the catch

 So, what’s the catch

“So what’s the catch?” I asked myself as the smiling sales person looked around the desk for a pen with which to sign on the bottom line.

“Doesn’t seem to be a pen here,” they smiled. “I shall see if one of my co-workers has one.” they added, heading off.

“Don’t worry,” I said looking at the document again.

“If something looks too good to be true, it usually is,” it’s something I was taught at Primary school, that and don’t sign anything till you have read it and understood it thoroughly. Taking that advice to heart, I reread the document looking for the catch and wondered how I came to be there.

It all began when a card came through the post, inviting me to a free upgrade to my car, being as it had just failed it’s MOT, it sounded like a good idea. Now, looking at my car through the window room I was beginning to have my doubts. The timing seemed to good to be true, especially as it passed the following day without any problems or advisories.

“I found a pen,” said the smiling assistant.

“Where did you find that?” I asked.

“Actually, I went next door to the newsagents,” they admitted. “They were on sell off.”

“Useful,” I smiled at the pen being handed to me. “I haven’t seen what my car is being upgraded to.”

“You haven’t?” they asked.

“No,” I smiled. “I think, perhaps I should take a look, before signing.”

“Of course, it was very remiss of me, I do apologise,” they stumbled over their words and ushered me towards the parking lot.

“Are you sure this is it?” I asked, looking at something that was older than my car and looked as if it was only the muck that was holding it together.

“I’ll go and check,” the assistant replied. “Could you tell me what your objections to it are?”

“It’s neither use nor ornament,” I smiled. “I can drive my car, this would need a good wash before I could even see through the windows.”

“So that would be a deal breaker?” they asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“I’d better talk to my manger,” they smiled. “Would you care to wait inside?”

“It’d be better than waiting out here,” I smiled back at him. The sun might have been bright, but the temperature had failed to rise above freezing for the last week.

“I shan’t be long,” the assistant smiled, ushering me back into the show room. “Would you like a drink?”, they added pointing to the drinks machine.

“Thank-you, but no,” I smiled. “I’ll need to be going in half an hour, so if you can get some answers before then, I would be grateful.”

“Of course,” they said, hurrying off.

I was back at the sales desk, looking through the window at my car. The MOT people had put it through a car wash to make up for not passing it the first time. Some error in paperwork, they had explained it. The result was that, with the sun glinting on the windows, my car looked a much better prospect than their alternative.

“My manager said that car was a mistake,” the assistant smiled nervously, turning up without me noticing.

“That’s one way to describe it,” I smiled. “So what are you suggesting as a replacement to my car?”

“We have several electric bicycles,” the assistant started to say.

“I already have a bike,” I replied.

“But not an electric one!” they insisted. “Just think of the energy you’ll save!”

“I ride my bike for exercise, to keep fit,” I replied, the smile on my face beginning to feel rather fixed. “The day I need an electric motor for my bike is the day I will put it up for sale.”

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the assistant.

“I was offered an upgrade on my car,” I reminded them. “What you have offered me is not an upgrade.”

“An electric bike,” they started to say.

“Is no good for going to see my Father, it’s a 90 mile round trip and I have to be ready to go at any time of the day or night,” I explained.

“It is possible to do 90 miles on a bike,” they tried to explain.

“Not in the middle of the night and not when you may be responding to an emergency and not when you are me,” I snapped.

“Have you thought of moving closer to your Father?” they asked.

“This is about an upgrade to my car,” I replied, standing up. “What you have offered is nothing like an upgrade. I think that you have brought me here under false pretences, so I am leaving, with my car.”

“But you were going to sign this,” they said, pointing to the document on the desk.

“That!” I muttered, picking it up, taking it over to the shredder and feeding it through.

“But! But!” they muttered, looking confused.

“The deal sounded to good to be true and it was,” I smiled, heading for the door and my car.

“I’ll talk to my manager again,” the assistant stuttered. “I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement.”

“I don’t think so,” I smiled.

“You agreed to sell your car to us,” a voice bellowed from a door at the back of the car show room.

“No I didn’t,” I said. “You offered to upgrade it and I said I’d take a look at the upgrades. What your assistant has shown me can, in no way, be described as an upgrade. You have wasted my time and tried my patience. I am leaving.”

“We have your signature,” the manager said, emerging from the office.

“No you don’t,” I said.

“I thought you got her to sign?” the manager said, addressing the assistant.

“We didn’t have a pen,” the assistant replied.

“Can’t sign anything without a pen,” I smiled.

“On the phone you said,” the manager started.

“I said that I would see what you had to offer,” I replied.

“Yes, you agreed to the swap,” the manager insisted.

“I agreed to consider it,” I replied. “Having looked at what you have on offer, I prefer to keep my car.”

“Is that the car you promised me?” asked another customer. I had seen him, through the window, looking at my car and getting more and more excited as he circled the vehicle.

“No.” I replied. “That is my car and it is not for sale.”

“But you promised,” the customer said, looking at the manager.

“I thought,” the manager said, looking at me.

“You thought you’d sell my car,” I said.

“And you might have, if you’d offered me something half way decent,” I thought walking out of the show room and driving off. “Good job they didn’t have a pen or I might have been caught out on that.”

by Janice Nye © 2023

The Fairy Godmother Part 137

The Fairy Godmother Part 137

“Mirror, mirror,” Myrtle said, looking at a rather ancient compact mirror that hadn’t seen the light of day for many years.

“Hello,” said the mirror. “I haven’t had a message like this for, I don’t know how long.”

“I wasn’t sure if this would work,” said Myrtle. “I haven’t tried it before, but I had heard it was possible.”

“I presume you have found something out?” the mirror asked.

“Lily is not dead,” said Myrtle.

“She staged it?” asked the mirror.

“Her and Ivy,” Myrtle replied.

“What do we do?” asked the mirror.

“I was wondering if there was a way of trapping them in a mirror?” Myrtle asked.

“There are some empty mirrors,” the mirror replied.

“Empty?” asked Myrtle.

“No one in them,” the mirror explained. “They could be deflected there and prevented from getting out.”

“And with no one in, they couldn’t drive anyone mad with their efforts to get out,” said Myrtle.

“It might be best to use two mirrors,” the mirror suggested. “To stop them plotting together to find a way out.”

“That would be a wise precaution,” Myrtle said slowly.

“The problem would be to deflect them into it,” said the mirror. “After all, they wouldn’t be daft enough to go there of their own free will.”

“Send me the directions to two mirrors and I’ll see what I can do,” smiled Myrtle.

“Myrtle!” the message came through from May.

“What is the problem?” Myrtle asked.

“She knows you were here, don’t ask how, but she knows,” sighed May.

“Tell her you downloaded the information onto two memory sticks and sent them to Enid and I at these co-ordinates,” Myrtle replied.

“Her and Ivy will be after you,” thought May

“And she will think you are her loyal servant,” Myrtle replied. “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”

“I hope so, because they are coming after you and they are mad, very mad,” sighed May.

“They will be even madder when they find out where they are,” laughed Myrtle.

“The mirrors have their new occupants,” the mirror told Myrtle. “I’ve locked the safeguards in place, they can’t get out.”

“Good,” Myrtle sighed. “Now all I need to do is get the Council together and put the evidence before them.

“Are you sure you can trust them?” asked the mirror.

“She wouldn’t need to keep her office secret from them if they were on her side,” said Myrtle.

“She didn’t trust them,” said May. “I don’t think she had a good word for any of them.”

“Then, I shall collect Enid and we will get the Council together and put the evidence before them,” said Myrtle.

“Why didn’t you tell me what you were doing?” Enid asked.

“Because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, not till I did it,” said Myrtle. “And that wouldn’t have been a good time to tell you.”

“Did you think I was part of this?” asked Enid.

“I didn’t think you were,” said Myrtle. “You aren’t that good an actor.”

“But there was a doubt?” asked Enid.

“The stakes were too high to risk any level of doubt, even the feeling that I should have doubts when I didn’t,” said Myrtle.

“OK,” said Enid. “Is there anything I should know before we head off in to talk to the Council of Fairy Godmothers.”

“Nothing I can think of, but just go along with anything I say, I might have forgotten something,” smiled Myrtle.

“When did you get to be so grown up?” asked Enid.

“I think I was born that way,” sighed Myrtle. “Or ended up that way, when you put me in the orphanage.”

“Perhaps it was for the best then,” sighed Enid.

“The Council of Fairy Godmothers is ready to see you now,” said an usher who had just opened the door to the Council chamber.

“Well, we’d better not keep them waiting,” smiled Enid as they both walked through the door.

“I hope you have a good reason for summoning us,” said the Fairy Godmother at the centre of the table. “This is most irregular.”

“You know we have a good reason,” said Myrtle. “We wouldn’t be here without one.”

“Do you have any evidence of the wild accusations that you have sent to us?” the Head of the Council asked. “We all saw Lily’s body are you really trying to tell us that she is still alive and has an office up there!” she added pointing to the rafters.

“First,” said Myrtle, waving her wand to make the office visible. “Second,” Myrtle added opening a video link to the mirror that was Lily’s new home and another to Ivy’s new home. “The information you require is in the office as is someone who can help you find your way round the computers.”

“May!” screeched Lily. “Don’t tell them a thing.”

“If May knows what is good for her, she will answer all our questions, in full,” said the Head of the Fairy Godmothers. “If you know what is good for you, you will do nothing to hinder her or harm either her or her family.”

“It isn’t as if you can do anything from in there,” said Myrtle.

“What makes you think that,” snapped Lily.

“Because you’d have done it by now if there was anything,” laughed Enid.

“How could you betray us like this,” howled Ivy. “We’re your sisters!”

“So says the one who stood by and let my daughter be poisoned,” replied Enid.

“It was just a prank,” said Ivy. “No harm done.”

“She nearly died,” shouted Enid.

“It isn’t as if you can’t have another child,” said Ivy.

“In case you have forgotten, each child is an individual, you can’t replace one with another,” snapped Enid.

“Don’t let them wind you up Mum,” said Myrtle. “They aren’t worth it.”

“They are secure?” asked the Head of the Fairy Godmothers.

“Yes,” said Myrtle.

“That is good enough for me,” the Head of the Fairy Godmothers smiled. “I don’t need to know the details.”

“I’d like to know,” said Lily. “When did you get to be so cunning.”

“I observed you,” said Myrtle. “Couldn’t have had a better teacher,” she added, closing the links down.

“We will go through the evidence and make a decision,” said the Head of the Fairy Godmothers.

“How long will that take?” asked Enid.

“As long as necessary,” the Head of the Fairy Godmothers replied. “We will let you know when that happens,” she added, nodding towards the door, which the usher had opened.

“How long do you think that will take?” Myrtle asked her Mother as they heard the Council door shut behind them.

“They have been known to take a week to decide on tea or coffee, for the mid morning break,” said Enid.

“I think we should go home and check on the twins and their Father,” said Myrtle.

“You can do that,” said Enid. “I shall go to a quiet, secluded valley and scream.”

“It wont be quiet if you do that,” said Myrtle.

“There wont be anyone there to complain,” said Enid. “Not if they know what’s good for them.”

“Take care,” said Myrtle as they both waved their wands.

By Janice Nye © 2022

The Fairy Godmother Part 136

“Shame, quite liked that phone,” thought Myrtle as it disappeared. “However, it’s going to be a nasty, if short, shock for anyone who tries to follow it.”

“The question is what do I do next?” Myrtle thought. “Since everything points to Lily, then the logical thing would be to go back to the last place we saw her alive,” she added with a wave of her wand she was back in the Fairy Godmother’s Council chamber, sitting on one of the roof beams.

“These could do with a good clean,” she thought.

“Told them they needed to get rid of all of these cobwebs,” she muttered to no one in particular.

“Those ones aren’t much use,” said the spider. “The flies can see them a mile off, haven’t caught anything in them for ages.”

“So why are you still here?” asked Myrtle.

“I wont be for much longer,” the spider laughed. “The larder is nearly empty. When it is, I’ll move on, unless you can get your friends to do some dusting?” he added, looking hopeful.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Myrtle smiled. “Though, at the moment I think they have more to worry about than a few old cobwebs.”

“Would this be something to do with the fairy who set up an office up here?” the spider asked.

“Probably,” said Myrtle. “Tell me about it?”

“Started a bit back,” said the spider. “She used to sit at that table, down there. One day, she was telling a young Fairy Godmother off and she commented about the cobwebs in the rafters. That’s when she came up here to take a closer look at the space and created the office.”

“How come we can’t see it?” asked Myrtle.

“It’s invisible,” laughed the spider.

“Of course it is,” said Myrtle, looking carefully at what wasn’t there, the place where there weren’t any cobwebs.

“It’s not a very big office,” she muttered.

“Bigger on the inside,” laughed the spider. “She went there when no one was around to see her go.”

“And now?” Myrtle asked.

“Now it’s her main office,” the spider replied. “They think she’s dead and she likes it that way.”

“Is she in there now?” asked Myrtle.

“Gone out to see her sister, Ivy,” he laughed. “Does that most days at this time.”

“Will she be gone long?” asked Myrtle.

“You’re not thinking of going in there?” he asked, suddenly looking rather worried.

“The answers are in there,” Myrtle replied. “I’m not going to find them out here.”

“But she might come back and find you,” the spider stuttered.

“Life is full of these risks,” said Myrtle, waving her wand.

“I would have thought she’d put up a wand shield,” Myrtle muttered.

“A wand shield might have drawn the attention of the security team,” said a small voice. “As no one knew it was here, she didn’t think she’d need one.”

“Who are you?” asked Myrtle.

“I am Lily’s assistant,” she replied.

“And what is your name?” asked Myrtle.

“Nobody ever asks for my name,” she replied.

“I am Myrtle and I am asking,” Myrtle replied.

“I think it’s May,” she replied. “It’s been so long since anyone called me by it, it’s hard to remember.”

“The mayflower is very beautiful,” Myrtle smiled. “A harbinger of spring. How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know,” sighed May. “She brought me here when she created the space. I’ve been here ever since.”

“Don’t you want to leave?” asked Myrtle.

“I don’t have a wand, so there’s no way out,” sighed May. “And I have no where to go if I did leave.”

“Couldn’t you go back to your people?” asked Myrtle.

“She’d look for me and that would be the first place she’d go,” sighed May. “And she wouldn’t be happy, so it would be best for them if I stayed here.”

“But you don’t want to be here,” said Myrtle.

“It isn’t good here,” May agreed. “But if I leave she’ll take her anger out on my family.”

“So we need to find some way to stop her,” said Myrtle. “And I think you may be the one who can help me do that.”

“It would be good to leave here without her getting to me,” said May thoughtfully.

“How did she stage her death?” asked Myrtle.

“Image projection,” said May. “She was guessing that neither you nor Enid would want to do anything like hug her.”

“Does Enid know that Lily isn’t dead?” Myrtle asked.

“No,” said May. “It was important that Enid believed that Lily was dead. If she didn’t believe it, then no one would.”

“And she was happy with that?” asked Myrtle.

“I got the impression that she didn’t like Enid, so letting her think she was dead, she seemed to like seeing her upset about it,” May explained. “Why?”

“Enid is my Mother, I didn’t think she was that good an actor,” sighed May. “I just find it hard to believe that Lily would be that cold as to put her through that.”

“She uses people, it’s the way she is,” sighed May.

“Then would you like to be part of the solution?” asked Myrtle.

“What do you want me to do?” asked May.

“We need data,” Myrtle replied.

“There’s tons of that in here,” said May. “Where do you want me to send it?”

“That’s a good question,” said Myrtle. “Normally I would suggest sending it to security.”

“Only they have infiltrated it,” May finished.

“There are doubts about the Fairy Godmother network as well,” said Myrtle.

“The tooth fairy’s network has been hacked as well,” said May.

“Even that!” Myrtle stuttered.

“A baby goes on their books as soon as it’s born,” said May.

“Earlier than that,” said Myrtle.

“That way, they know when a baby is due,” said May.

“Of course,” said Myrtle. “If the baby’s suitable they can have someone there for the birth.”

“So where do I send this data?” asked May. “She will be back soon, so I need to know.”

“Has she got back up to the cloud?” asked Myrtle.

“Yes, doesn’t everyone,” said May.

“Then create an identical back up, one that’s updated whenever the original is and I’ll sort out who to send the details to,” said Myrtle.

“OK,” said May. “How can I get in touch with you.”

“Just think about me, I’ll know and get in touch with you,” smiled Myrtle, giving her wand a quick twitch.

“Have you done anything whilst I’ve been out?” Lily asked May.

“What?” asked May.

“Make me a cup of tea, it’s about all you’re good for,” said Lily sitting down and putting her feet up.

“Of course,” said May, looking round for the kettle. “Did you have a good time?”

“Ivy’s always fun to be with. We had a good laugh at Enid and that daughter of hers,” said Lily. “Hurry up with that tea.”

By Janice Nye © 2022

The Fairy Godmother Part 135

“Finished” Mary wrote and put down the pen.

“What happens now?” she asked, hoping that someone was there to hear the question.

“Your statement is being studied,” came the reply. She looked down and the table was bare.

“What happens to me now?” she asked, as the walls went out of focus and she drifted into darkness.

“What is happening to her?” asked James.

“Security has moved her to another cell,” Myrtle replied frowning slightly.

“Why?” asked James.

“It was thought that they were trying to get to her,” Myrtle replied.

“How is that possible?” asked James.

“They have been compromised,” said Myrtle, busily ringing Ethel.

“Ethel, we need an update,” she said.

“There is nothing to update,” said Ethel. “Mary is in her cell writing.”

“No she isn’t,” said Myrtle. “Not according to the screen we can see.”

“What screen do you have,” asked Ethel. “All my screens show her writing.”

“I put the mirror in there,” said Myrtle.

“There is a video loop being fed into the system,” said Ethel. “What should I do?”

“Pretend that you haven’t noticed it,” said Myrtle.

“What are you going to do?” asked Ethel.

“Best that you don’t know that,” said Myrtle, hanging up.

“So where is she?” asked an ashen James.

“I have moved her to somewhere safe,” Myrtle replied.

“Which is where?” asked James. “That cell was supposed to be safe.”

“But more people knew about it than the place she is now,” smiled Myrtle.

“And this is safer?” he yelled.

“Yes,” smiled Myrtle. “Even I don’t know where it is.”

“And that is supposed to make me feel better, how?” he yelled.

“After all she has done, I do wonder why you are so worried about her,” said Myrtle.

“Because I thought she was my Mother,” shouted James.

“She killed your Mother, took her place for over thirty years, deceived both your brother and your Father and you when she pretended to be your Mother, devastated about your disappearance and despite all this you are worried about her,” said Myrtle.

“You don’t think that I’m a part of this, do you?” asked James.

“No, but I think your judgement may be impaired,” smiled Myrtle.

“Then you had better not tell me where she is,” sighed James. “But what do we do next?”

“There are contingencies in place,” said Myrtle.

“I shouldn’t ask what they are,” said James.

“But you want to know anyway,” said Myrtle.

“I am only human,” James sighed.

“And very sweet,” said Myrtle. “It is part of what I love about you, however, I shall have to go and sort this out.”

“What about the twins?” he asked.

“I’m sure you can manage to look after them for a short time,” said Myrtle. “I could always ask Velvet to help.”

“Isn’t she busy with the laundry?” asked James.

“Never too busy to help with the twins,” smiled Myrtle.

“Thanks,” said James.

“Hello mirror,” said Myrtle. “How are things?”

“Not as quiet as they were,” sighed the Mirror.

“Not happy,” said Myrtle.

“Is she ever?” asked the Mirror.

“Can’t think of any time when she has been, not truly,” said Myrtle. “Though I would have thought being alive would be a plus point for her.”

“You would think so,” said the Mirror. “But it doesn’t seem to work that way.”

“Was anything she put in that statement worth the paper it was written on?” asked Myrtle.

“No, but I think she was hoping that it would please her Masters with the disinformation,” the Mirror replied.

“That still leaves us with the problem of finding out what did happen,” sighed Myrtle.

“I could try and get the truth out of her,” the mirror offered.

“As long as you keep yourself safe,” said Myrtle.

“Thanks for worrying about me,” the Mirror replied. “But I can look after myself now. I’ve learnt a trick or two.”

“That’s good to know,” said Myrtle. “Meanwhile, I shall see what I can find out.”

“Good hunting,” said the Mirror as Myrtle hung up on her rather ancient and not so smart phone.

“How are things going Ethel?” she asked, using her smart phone.

“Keeping an eye on the video link and it shows Mary writing away,” said Ethel.

“She’s got a lot to say,” said Myrtle.

“That she has,” Ethel replied.

“So, no change?” Myrtle asked.

“Nothing I’ve noticed,” said Ethel, rather too quickly.

“Let me know when you have something to report,” said Myrtle, hanging up and ringing Security.

“How is everything progressing,” she asked the man who answered the phone.

“She’s still writing,” said an unfamiliar voice.

“Thanks,” said Myrtle. “Let me know if anything changes,” she added hanging up.

“Someone has got under all our safeguards,” thought Myrtle. “There aren’t many who could do that. In fact there are only two I know of who would have access to that level of information and one of them is dead.”

“Hello Mum,” she said as Enid finally found her ancient and not so smart phone.

“Why are you ringing me on this old thing?” asked Enid.

“I would have thought you would have worked that one out,” said Myrtle.

“So the live footage?” she asked.

“Video loop,” said Myrtle.

“They are good,” said Enid.

“Too good,” said Myrtle. “There is only one person, besides you, who could do this.”

“She’s dead,” said Enid. “We found the body, we saw her disappear.”

“Or did we see an image of her,” said Myrtle.

“Why would she do this?” asked Enid. “She must know how much it would hurt us and the rest of her family.”

“Ivy didn’t know she was dead,” said Myrtle. “She would have known if Lily had really died.”

“So what do we do?” asked Enid.

“I don’t know,” said Myrtle. “But if I am right, then this is the chink in their armour, and means that we are calling the shots.”

“If you say so,” said Enid. “What will you do?”

“You’ll find out,” said Myrtle hanging up the phone and sending it to the heart of the nearest volcano.

“Track that if you can Lily,” she thought.

By Janice Nye © 2022